Light Bulb!

       I figured it out! Why all of this...stuff has been bothering me! So background information. My biggest fear in life is being forgotten, pathetic I know. I don't know why it is, but the thought of a friend forgetting me kills me. And now that I think about it it seems weird, but its the truth. My thought is that it just might mean that they didn't care for me the way I did them. And if you know me at all I give 100% of myself to my friends and family. They are the most important things to me. So when someone I love (friendship wise) can just walk away and not think about me again, that hurts. Is this starting to make sense at all? He is forgetting me when I am right there! And I just sit there watching while he forgets. Makes sense now. Just had to say that.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Feelings, Feelings, Feelings.

      It's midnight right now. I should be asleep. Today is just one of those days. I am so sick of thinking about him. Is it possible that I could just think about something else for five minutes!? Who cares what the heck he is thinking, or doing, or saying!? Who cares if you had a fun memory with him!? That is LONG gone and unimportant! He is nothing to you now, "just somebody that you used to know." I am sick of feeling like I have to constantly prove to him and more importantly to myself that I really am a catch. I am someone. For some dumb reason lately I have really been doubting that. Why? Because that confidence that you always see in me isn't real. I have been faking it until I make it from day one. Day one of what? I don't know, just day one. I think 100% of the time faking it until I have made it has totally worked. I pretend like everything is great and eventually it is! But for confidence it has just never done it.        
       One day I was with a friend and she told me that there is a difference in self-confidence, self-image, and self-worth. Self-image is how you see yourself, self-confidence is what others see, and self-worth is what the Lord sees. I guess with that I have a lot of self-confidence with that definition, but my self-image is not exactly where it should be. Never has been. I think too much, and that TOTALLY gets to me. Wouldn't it just be great to be able to shut off the brain every once in a while?
      I am so SICK of it all!  I want my care-free, silly, friendship back. I am tired of him ignoring me and pretending like I just don't exist now. I am tired of watching him flirt with all my friends while I just have to stand there and take it.  If you are going to do that, at least acknowledge the fact that I am standing right there! I am tired of him inviting my friends places while I sit at home doing nothing. Or him inviting me just because he invited my friends and feels obligated to because I over heard it. I don't understand what is so hard about just being friends! Why can't he do that? He is the one who ended it!  I guess I am confused. When he left he said he wanted to be best friends still. I can do that. But don't best friends at least talk every once in a while? I thought best friend hung out and invited each other places. Guess not.
        So today I did the millenium, which is a mile on a track but instead of running the straights you go up and down the stadium stairs. Then I went from there to go play basketball for a few hours. But right now I am at the point where I REALLY just want to go on my four mile run. If it weren't dark I would be gone by now. But it IS dark, so unless I find someone to go with I am stuck at home. I am racking my brain to think of someone or some way that I can get out and run. I am dying inside. I NEED to get out and run! I have a feeling that even though my legs are jello and I am actually tired, if I went out it would be a dang good run. I could probably go forever, just me and my thoughts.
       This is so stupid. I guess I am that girl I was making fun of. Figures. "What isn't a part of us doesn't disturb us." I always think that I am totally over it, and I like to believe that I am. I don't have feelings for him anymore, but there are moments where I miss something. Whether it is him or the companionship I am not 100% sure. I like to think it is the companionship. I hate being alone; I have always been like that, but since I have gone from having someone who was always with me to having nothing, it has intensified. I can't even cry about it. I really don't want to either. Even IF I wanted to, my body just won't let me. I have tried. So it gets bottled up with the rest of everything. One day I will explode but until then, "I am wearing a smile that I don't believe in. Inside I feel like screaming!"     

Rule number 33

I wrote this a year ago for my English class. I just found it on my computer and thought it was pretty funny. I definitely had the most fun writing this particular essay. It's better though when you know the guy like I did and can hear everything he says and his tone of voice as you read it.....but here it is:

 "Rule Number 33: Don't Chase!"

            “Squiggly line in my eye. Why are you there in my eye? Only…when I try to see you; you run away.” Michael states in the thoughtful poetic voice. “Write that down…could you read that back to me? Read that back to me Madison.” Secretly he is reveling in the attention is he getting. “This is so much work! I could be not chasing girls right now!” he mocks.

Relaxing on the apartment recliner in the corner, the strawberry blonde began to reminisce on his past experiences like he is in a shrink’s office. There is a “15 items or less” lamp from Broulim’s carefully propped up against the wall to his left, looking as if it will topple over at any second on to the resting man.

At 23 years old Michael has had his share of experiences with women. Because of this, he has a set of rules to save him from getting hurt and pursuing a girl who has no interest in him. One of his major rules is that he does not chase women. At first, girls might say this sounds like a foolish idea. There are “too many girls in the world to become a tool and chase.” He states. His friend Jonathan who also applies this rule defines a tool as: “Not a jerk. Knowingly letting her use you, with hopes of getting some action.” “That is a tool!” agrees Michael. To these boys this makes perfect sense.

After coming home from a mission in Ireland, Michael started to notice the games girls play. He was not into that at all. During late night “pillow talks” with his friends Brent and Jonathan, Michael started to become agitated with how women worked. “Here is the difference between guys and girls,” Jonathan states, “with girls it’s a head game. Guys are willing to do whatever it takes to get some action.” This meaning that guys aren’t totally fixed on how the girl feels about them. They aren’t going to test the girl.  After some discussion, the three men decided to make this new rule. Don’t chase. It saves a lot of trouble, money, and pain.

 Michael sees chasing as trying to make things work with a girl when she has no desire to be with him or when he has to work hard to get the girl. The problem with this is, many girls like being chased. It makes them feel wanted. If they don’t text a guy and he answers back with another text that obviously means he wants her right? Wrong. “You are going to base our relationship off of a second text?” Michael questions. His tone suggests that that is a bad move on the girls’ part.  “Why would she test me to see if I like her? Isn’t me liking her enough?” He cannot understand how women could have such low esteem that they have to play games with their men to make sure he likes them. “If she doesn’t ever text you back, that is just being rude.” Says Jonathan.

“I will give a girl so many chances to respond to my…interestedness?” Michael says dragging out the “my” while thinking to himself how to better word that. To make sure he is not chasing he has a sort of boundary for himself.  He has decided that if he texts a girl and she does not answer back within a certain amount of time then that is it. He will “drop her like it’s hot.” His friend Brent who also follows this rule, backs him up saying, “Here in Rexburg, girls always have a phone on them. You can almost guarantee it, so if she does not answer then it is on purpose.”

Like with all rules, there are always exceptions. Michael swears that there are none to his rules; however there have been times where he will bend the rule. “Every time I do though, it comes back and kicks me.” One exception was with a girl he called “Katniss.” –he likes to give nicknames to everyone he knows. Katniss is a girl from his music class that he had been sitting by and talking to. After getting to know each other better they finally exchanged numbers. As a normal person would, he decided to put the number to good use. So that weekend Michael texted her and asked if she would like to go to the movies. After three hours of her not answering back, he was considering dropping her. “If she doesn’t answer back by tonight I am done with her.” Literally five minutes later and to his relief she answered back.  After hanging out a few times Michael became interested in her, but unfortunately for him she decided to not answer his texts. This was a big mistake on her part. “That’s it. I am dropping her.” His closest roommate Corbin thought this was a bad idea. “I see…” He pauses for a second then continues, “the logic… and I can agree with it to a point, but to the point he takes it I disagree.”   So he talked Michael into texting her again, “a couple of times actually,” realizes Michael. In the end however, at least “when he dropped her later, it was for a more founded reason.” Corbin explains. He decided that she was not worth the effort and she was not making it any easier.

No chasing also entails that if he asks a girl to hang out and she says she is busy then he will ask about going a different day. If she just so happens to be busy again then it is done. She is obviously not interested and is just making up excuses.

When asked about his latest girlfriend he says with a laugh, “No! Not at all!” referring to how hard she made him work. “I met her at a dance workshop. We went back to my apartment and watched a movie. We were cuddling like the first night!”

To Michael so far this rule has worked out well. “I have gone on quite a few dates…I go on a date at least every weekend. I have loads of girls that come over and hang out. But I guess you can say it has failed because I don’t have a steady girlfriend. But it is all just how you look at it.”

Corbin has this to say, “no..?” questioning how he really thinks it has worked out. “Because he doesn’t give people enough of a chance, but the other part is that I don’t know if you can make that kind of a judgment because a lot of the people haven’t worked out for a legitimate reasons, one being they are waiting for a missionary and won’t give another guy a chance; up here in Rexburg that’s like 98% of the girls. The other 2% you have to find.”

Michael does not see his rule as holding him back and making him miss out on the ladies. “If I really, really wanted to I could play their game and get them. Then we could do this on agreeable terms, but the initial front puts me off.” With this, Jonathan agrees saying, “Obviously you miss out on some action, but you’re not missing out on anything good.”

He especially does not like it when they make him chase on the first date. To him a first date is strictly to get to know the girl. “Super non-threatening. I am not going to make any advances. You should feel super safe.  This is a first date. The whole point is to get to know me, and you are going to make me chase!?” He states as he points harshly to nothing across the room. The chair rocks from the force of his pointing. “There should be no reason to chase. I don’t know if they are cool or not. I am trying to get to know them.”

The ideal situation for him would be if he called a girl and asks if she wanted to go out. If she cannot, then her next best move would be to set up another day that would work for her. It is best when they make it clear that it doesn’t work, but it can. The biggest thing to Michael is that “they make it easy to hang out or date. There is a difference between chasing and waiting.” When he asks them to hang out and they say, “oh another time” that is when he knows what is going on. In that case he says, “yeah definitely!” He then whispers in a quick muttered voice to nobody on the side “there’s not another time!”

As more things happen with girls Michael makes more rules to help him survive the dating life. He finishes with, “you make a rule out of the experience. It’s like a girl survival guide.”

Moving On

      So...thank you everyone for being patient with me and letting me post all about the junk that is going on in my life. It has been really good for me to put all of my thoughts out there. I forgot my journal at home when I went back for General Conference so I turned to this. The thing I didn't realize about doing this was that I would be able to more fully understand the things that are going on and be more able to learn from everything. Had I not typed it all out I would have exploded by now. There was WAY too much going on in my head to make sense of it all. Putting it out on my blog has helped me to organize my thoughts and evaluate things. It has even helped me notice little things that I would have totally passed over had I not written it down.
       Real quick here, my friend from the ward was talking to me and out of nowhere said, "So I know they call you skeeter, but why!?" I am sure I have explained it on here before but really lets be real about this, how many people have actually gone ALL the way down to the beginning of the name "They Call Me Skeeter." So here is the story again:
        Freshman Year of high school I played basketball. I was still tall and lanky. So do you know those water skeeters? The ones that have long legs, so skinny you can't see them and who can disappear in a split second because they are just that fast? Well my teammate's dad decided that was me on the court. According to him I was lightning quick. and my legs were like those of a skeeter bug (keep in mind I was somewhat decent at the game back then). So that is how it came about. I like it because it is nowhere near my real name and that it has meaning behind it.
       I need to explain the lyrics below as well. Basically those are my favorite songs right now and for some weird reason, the entire time I was hurting over losing that guy, these all reminded me of him but it never hurt to listen to them. Speaking of that. He and my "best friend" already ended. I can't lie that was a good day for me when they did. Not because I was wanting them to get hurt or because I was mad. My initial thought when I found out was "Yes! I can have my friends back!"Is that bad that I am thinking that way? My mom thinks I am psycho for handling this the way I have. She is definitely much more upset than I am about the whole thing. But there was this quote that I found a long time ago by one of the apostles, and it says, "Without forgiveness old wounds never heal." I have always been pretty good at forgiving others, however when I read that quote the first time I decided that I was going to see if that was true and live by it. This is the first time it should have been hard for me to live by, but it was actually easy. It was a lot better and easier on me to forgive them right away and let it go. Had I let it fester inside of me, I would still be a wreck. Why would I waste my time being sad/angry over something when I can choose to be happy and forget about it now? So that basically sums up why I have been so nice to them from the start of all this. I can't tell you how correct that quote is. I know for a fact that it is true and I am so glad I found it way back when.
      Although there is still a small part of me that hurts I can say now that I am almost 100% healed! I am moving on quickly here. Thanks to this incredible gospel I have and the great friends who have been there to support me through it all. I definitely could not have done it without those two factors in my life. I cannot express the gratitude that I have toward my Heavenly Father right now.  Good thing I will be able to show Him shortly!
      I feel like there was something else I wanted to add to this but I can't really remember what it was. Anyway, shifting gears here:
      Guys, I am going on a mission! This is still so weird to me. And I can't lie, there was a point where I started my papers and sat there wondering if I was really going to go through with this. I still really didn't want to go but I decided that I would keep filling out the papers and just see how I felt later. That night I totally had a break down. I just started thinking too much and how I really didn't want to go still and that could be an issue. If I am not driven now what will happen once I am out? So I really started praying and fasting again. Nothing came and hit me as strong as that one after the temple. But lately there have just been little things that have kind of shown me what revelation is. I got a letter from one of my missionary friends on Thursday and in it he talked about how he was proud of me for listening to the spirit and that after a while your agency comes into play and the spirit leaves. I am almost 100% positive that this is what happened. I had multiple promptings to go but I chose not to listen and then the spirit left. After that big prompting, I am sure the spirit left once I started to question my choice to go out.
        There have been little things throughout this past couple of weeks that have kind of confirmed that fact that what I have been feeling since October were in fact promptings. A friend told me that you learn on your mission that any thought is a prompting until proven otherwise. I thought about the past few months and how all of my promptings have been random thoughts in the back of my head.
       A few days ago I was putting my make up on and out of nowhere I got this thought that I should text my friend and just let her know I loved her. I almost didn't but then I thought back to what my friend had said. There was that spirit to help me recall earlier things. So I texted her real quick and a few minutes later she answered saying that she couldn't explain how much she needed that text. I hope you know I am not just telling this experience so you guys can see how great I am. No. I write about all of these experiences because I am hoping that as people read this they can learn from what I am going through and that they will be able to notice these promptings in their lives as well. Receiving inspiration and promptings from the Lord can be so confusing. There are so many different ways to get this inspiration. That is part of what took me SO long to realize I needed to go on a mission. Was I reading too much into my own thoughts? Now I have a better understanding of how the Holy Ghost works and how I personally receive inspiration from the Lord.
        Anyway, after my break down I decided that I would at least set up my doctors and dentist appointments in case I decided to go. That way it would be done and over with when I was ready to submit my papers. I am so glad I did that. I just have one more appointment and then I can turn in my papers! I am so excited and nervous!! I have started reading Preach My Gospel, going to mission prep, and temple prep. It is the strangest thing for me. I feel so out of place in those classes, but I know I need to keep going so I can be as prepared as possible to go out and serve. Whew! Still trying process this all! I can't wait to get my call and find out where I am going! Anyway, those have been my random thoughts for the day...

Mariana's Trench Good To You
Everyone's around, no words are coming nowAnd I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure upAnd I'm not prepared; sorry is never there when you need it
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think that you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to youI would
I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the linesMaybe it's me, maybe I only see what I wantBut I still have your letterjust got caught between someone I just invented,Who I am really am and who I've become
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to you
I can't be without youI would
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to you
I'd be good to you, I'd be good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be so good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be so good to you
Justin Timberlake Mirrors
Aren't you somethin' to admire, cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Aren't you somethin', an original, cause it doesn't seem merely assembled
And I can't help but stare cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Mayday Parade Miserable at Best

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

"Look Forward with Hope not Backward with Despair"

        Well, I must be insane....I am going on a date tomorrow. Now stop it, I may not be ready for a relationship but this is going to be a just for fun date. What harm could it do? My friend asked me to be a model for some pictures she wanted to take and her fiance asked if I just wanted to go on a double with them after. Sure why not?
           I am actually really looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to have no time to sit down, which is exactly what I need. I can't afford to have any free time right now-too much time to think. So tomorrow I will be going to the temple with a new friend of mine which I cannot wait to get there and do some work for the dead! I always feel so accomplished when I leave the temple! After I am going straight to practice a song I am singing in church on Sunday. Ha! Yep, Madi Woods is going to sing in church. This will be my first time for reals preforming by choice (the other ones were for primary programs) and I am a little nervous. I don't sing, especially not in front of people! Not only that, I am singing the alto part for some of it which will also be interesting because I have only ever done the melody, however I am liking the alto part. So we shall see how this goes! Any hoodles, after the singing I have the photo shoot and date, hope its as fun as it sounds! I am sure it will be. :)
         Remember how in my last post I mentioned something knew seemed to come up every day? I guess it wasn't over. Now the ex is dating my close friend....yeah the same one I stayed with that Saturday. I had heard that they were thinking about it earlier, but they are official so now I can talk about it. According to what she said: they were talking in the car and then he told her that he still had feelings for her. Then I heard from him later on, that the night of the break up she texted him saying she had feelings for him now. He didn't even know he had thrown her under the bus, but he did and I know the truth now. You know, it would really make things better hearing the truth first, I don't care how much it would hurt. I just want to know the truth. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people lie to me. I don't care if you think you are doing me a favor, tell me the freaking truth and I will be much happier in the end. Anyway! Not sure how I feel about it. Okay, that is a COMPLETE lie. I don't like it, not at all. Instead of just losing one friend I lost another along with him. They say they still want me to hang out, but lets be honest here...are they really going to want a third wheel with them? Not likely. And I don't really know if I could stomach watching them hold hands and do all of that cuddly.....stuff. I already had to delete both off my Facebook; it hurt too much to see their updates, pictures, and tagged status'.
          I honestly am not mad at them at all, let's get that straight. I told them things are fine and they are. I can't sit here and expect them not to date when they like each other; that is selfish of me. However, I don't have to sit here and torture myself by being around them all of the time. I was talking to a close friend and she basically told me that I needed to grow a backbone and stand up for myself. Someone has to do it. She then went on to say that they couldn't have the best of both worlds. That kind of struck me. That is when I realized I am WAY to much of a people pleaser (sp?). What is that saying...good guys finish last? The same goes for girls too. I have had so many instances where I work my tail off to make people happy and then I end up getting nothing or losing something in the end. This time it is my turn to take care of myself. Then I can work on others.
      Alright time for some positive! Last night was hard. I had gotten a text from a friend while I was at basketball, telling me that they had made things official. I am so glad I was not at home alone when I found out. The funny thing was, I had people texting me through the night asking if I was ok, telling me they loved me, and making sure I had something to do other than sit around my house hurt. I wish I could tag them in this, but I am so grateful to those friends who have been there for me through this whole thing. I was honestly worried that I would have no one to turn to and that I would have to man up and take this on my own. The people I have met in this ward have been so incredible though. I have hardly had a chance to be alone since last Tuesday. I have been invited to different things almost every night and others have reached out making sure I know I am loved. That is exactly what I needed and still do need. Like I said, I thrive on my social life and when that was taken, I had the opportunity to make a knew one. I almost didn't, but thank goodness I had one smart moment where I decided to go out with my new friends. I knew I would be grateful that I did in the end.
       My Heavenly Father has blessed me so much through this, and has always been there watching out for me. I knew if I asked He would help. This ladies and gentlemen, is why you should always turn to the Lord. He knows what will make you happy. Even if you think you know what is best and how to fix things; turn to Him. He can help you either get those things, or find others that will make you even happier. I didn't know that these people would end up being the best thing for me, but He did. I know He lives and is always there for me.  I thought I had a decent friendship with My Heavenly Father beforehand, but now I know that it can always be stronger and that He will never leave me, even when it seems everyone else has. I love Him and am so grateful that I have the opportunity to pray to Him. I think I am finally ready to get on with things! :)
        I was just thinking, I make this sounds like some horrible trial. Yeah it hasn't been fun, but really my life is great! I have a loving family, incredible friends, my health, a great job, and the gospel in my life. What more do I need? That is more than a lot of people can say. I truly am blessed.

"Believe in yourself and your capacity to do great things."-Sister Christofferson

       Well my appetite is finally coming back! I ended up going with very minimal food for the 8 days. On Thursday basketball was really hard because I had zero energy (I still kicked butt though, yes!). From there I decided to try to eat more. I ate some but still not enough to really sustain me. Yesterday was Fast Sunday and it was almost easy. I didn't even end up having dinner that night and I still felt fine. This morning was the first time I actually got up and wanted breakfast, so its getting better! I'm not totally back to normal yet but hey I am eating and that is what counts right?...Words cannot describe how insane the past 8 days have been. There are so many feelings going on in my stomach right now. Every time I think about this last week I cringe. From noticing something was wrong, to breaking up with my boyfriend, to deciding to go on a mission. What!? oh....awkward, I didn't tell you that part yet? Well the rumors are true!
         I am your VERY typical Mormon girl. Ok I said it! I was talking to my friend yesterday and it dawned on me that I am "that Mormon girl" everyone talks about. I have steered clear of drugs and alcohol, I was the nerd who loved going to seminary and learning about the gospel, and I was the type to tell people what I believe and what I would not do. I never swore and I was never tempted to dress immodestly. And now look at me. I am continuing this by a mission. Didn't ever see myself that way until just yesterday. Ha!
         After being known this way by others my ENTIRE life, I was going to change that and NOT go on a mission. I really had no desire to go ever. Then October 2012 came along and that is when it all started. The age change for missionaries was dropped and I had this strange feeling that I was going to go out. Ha! that is funny, because I still had no desire to go. Then my mom kept telling me she always knew I would go, again...funny! Although that feeling was still there. Experience three; I was reading Doctrine and Covenants section four verse three which says, "Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work." I quickly skipped over that verse pretending I didn't feel the prompting that I needed to go. Another came when boyfriend and I broke up. As he was sitting there talking to me I had this impression that it was time to go on my mission; I even joked about going for a second just to get a rise out of him. Jinxed myself. But because I am dense and selfish I paid no attention to it....well at least not THAT much attention to it. That Saturday my friend and I were walking out of the temple and I was telling her that I was looking forward to being able to go through the whole temple and not just stick with the 12 year-olds doing baptisms. I went on to say that I was hoping that it would be because I was getting married that I finally was able to go through. Then she turned to me and said, "Are you sure you aren't supposed to serve a mission?" I quickly told her "no," and that was the end of that conversation. Back at her apartment I sat waiting for the shower and it totally hit me. And when I say hit I mean hit! It literally felt like someone came and sat on my chest then said, "You need to go on a mission!" There was no ignoring this. So I called my parents and told them what happened. So now, I have a meeting with the bishop on Sunday to start my papers! Total insanity!
         It took so much work on my Heavenly Father's part to make me realize what was happening. I think that one of the lessons I needed to learn from this whole week was that I need to listen to the promptings I am getting. In a blessing I asked for on Wednesday, it was mentioned that I was being prompted and that I needed to listen to these promptings. I had no idea what it was talking about at that point. I figured that the promptings would come later and that was that. As I sat waiting on Saturday I was reviewing my notes I took from that blessing and that is when I had that strong feeling. There was no denying it, those were the promptings and I had been ignoring them for 8 months. So because the Lord wants me to, I am going to go out and serve!
        One of the biggest reasons I was ignoring these feelings was because I didn't (and still don't) feel qualified to go and preach the gospel. I don't feel like I know enough about our gospel to be going out and telling other people about it. I do better by leading by example. However, Brother and Sister Christofferson came to speak to my Young Single Adult stake last night and Sister Christofferson said something that kind of set my decision in stone. She said, "Believe in yourself and your capacity to do great things." I thought about that and realized, if the Lord wants me to go then He will help me do to whatever it is He needs done. I can do great things!
        Those are the real reasons I am going. My friend asked me if I was sure it wasn't just because of the breakup and I told her, I felt like those feelings were completely separate from my feelings of these past events. Before, had I gone, I would have gone for the wrong reasons. Now instead of telling people I don't want to go I am ready to tell them that I am excited to get out there! I know I am going for the right reasons. I want to be out there serving my Heavenly Father and bringing his children to Him. I want them to feel the joy that there is in this gospel and I want them to have the comfort that I have.
       The one thing I question now is whether or not I will be going back to school. I am thinking about putting my availability date sometime in August so I will most likely miss the next three semesters of school now too, which works for me! I will be out doing bigger and better things.
        So stop judging me and start praying for me, that I can go out and bless the lives of others! :)