Moving On

      So...thank you everyone for being patient with me and letting me post all about the junk that is going on in my life. It has been really good for me to put all of my thoughts out there. I forgot my journal at home when I went back for General Conference so I turned to this. The thing I didn't realize about doing this was that I would be able to more fully understand the things that are going on and be more able to learn from everything. Had I not typed it all out I would have exploded by now. There was WAY too much going on in my head to make sense of it all. Putting it out on my blog has helped me to organize my thoughts and evaluate things. It has even helped me notice little things that I would have totally passed over had I not written it down.
       Real quick here, my friend from the ward was talking to me and out of nowhere said, "So I know they call you skeeter, but why!?" I am sure I have explained it on here before but really lets be real about this, how many people have actually gone ALL the way down to the beginning of the name "They Call Me Skeeter." So here is the story again:
        Freshman Year of high school I played basketball. I was still tall and lanky. So do you know those water skeeters? The ones that have long legs, so skinny you can't see them and who can disappear in a split second because they are just that fast? Well my teammate's dad decided that was me on the court. According to him I was lightning quick. and my legs were like those of a skeeter bug (keep in mind I was somewhat decent at the game back then). So that is how it came about. I like it because it is nowhere near my real name and that it has meaning behind it.
       I need to explain the lyrics below as well. Basically those are my favorite songs right now and for some weird reason, the entire time I was hurting over losing that guy, these all reminded me of him but it never hurt to listen to them. Speaking of that. He and my "best friend" already ended. I can't lie that was a good day for me when they did. Not because I was wanting them to get hurt or because I was mad. My initial thought when I found out was "Yes! I can have my friends back!"Is that bad that I am thinking that way? My mom thinks I am psycho for handling this the way I have. She is definitely much more upset than I am about the whole thing. But there was this quote that I found a long time ago by one of the apostles, and it says, "Without forgiveness old wounds never heal." I have always been pretty good at forgiving others, however when I read that quote the first time I decided that I was going to see if that was true and live by it. This is the first time it should have been hard for me to live by, but it was actually easy. It was a lot better and easier on me to forgive them right away and let it go. Had I let it fester inside of me, I would still be a wreck. Why would I waste my time being sad/angry over something when I can choose to be happy and forget about it now? So that basically sums up why I have been so nice to them from the start of all this. I can't tell you how correct that quote is. I know for a fact that it is true and I am so glad I found it way back when.
      Although there is still a small part of me that hurts I can say now that I am almost 100% healed! I am moving on quickly here. Thanks to this incredible gospel I have and the great friends who have been there to support me through it all. I definitely could not have done it without those two factors in my life. I cannot express the gratitude that I have toward my Heavenly Father right now.  Good thing I will be able to show Him shortly!
      I feel like there was something else I wanted to add to this but I can't really remember what it was. Anyway, shifting gears here:
      Guys, I am going on a mission! This is still so weird to me. And I can't lie, there was a point where I started my papers and sat there wondering if I was really going to go through with this. I still really didn't want to go but I decided that I would keep filling out the papers and just see how I felt later. That night I totally had a break down. I just started thinking too much and how I really didn't want to go still and that could be an issue. If I am not driven now what will happen once I am out? So I really started praying and fasting again. Nothing came and hit me as strong as that one after the temple. But lately there have just been little things that have kind of shown me what revelation is. I got a letter from one of my missionary friends on Thursday and in it he talked about how he was proud of me for listening to the spirit and that after a while your agency comes into play and the spirit leaves. I am almost 100% positive that this is what happened. I had multiple promptings to go but I chose not to listen and then the spirit left. After that big prompting, I am sure the spirit left once I started to question my choice to go out.
        There have been little things throughout this past couple of weeks that have kind of confirmed that fact that what I have been feeling since October were in fact promptings. A friend told me that you learn on your mission that any thought is a prompting until proven otherwise. I thought about the past few months and how all of my promptings have been random thoughts in the back of my head.
       A few days ago I was putting my make up on and out of nowhere I got this thought that I should text my friend and just let her know I loved her. I almost didn't but then I thought back to what my friend had said. There was that spirit to help me recall earlier things. So I texted her real quick and a few minutes later she answered saying that she couldn't explain how much she needed that text. I hope you know I am not just telling this experience so you guys can see how great I am. No. I write about all of these experiences because I am hoping that as people read this they can learn from what I am going through and that they will be able to notice these promptings in their lives as well. Receiving inspiration and promptings from the Lord can be so confusing. There are so many different ways to get this inspiration. That is part of what took me SO long to realize I needed to go on a mission. Was I reading too much into my own thoughts? Now I have a better understanding of how the Holy Ghost works and how I personally receive inspiration from the Lord.
        Anyway, after my break down I decided that I would at least set up my doctors and dentist appointments in case I decided to go. That way it would be done and over with when I was ready to submit my papers. I am so glad I did that. I just have one more appointment and then I can turn in my papers! I am so excited and nervous!! I have started reading Preach My Gospel, going to mission prep, and temple prep. It is the strangest thing for me. I feel so out of place in those classes, but I know I need to keep going so I can be as prepared as possible to go out and serve. Whew! Still trying process this all! I can't wait to get my call and find out where I am going! Anyway, those have been my random thoughts for the day...

Mariana's Trench Good To You
Everyone's around, no words are coming nowAnd I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure upAnd I'm not prepared; sorry is never there when you need it
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think that you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to youI would
I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the linesMaybe it's me, maybe I only see what I wantBut I still have your letterjust got caught between someone I just invented,Who I am really am and who I've become
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to you
I can't be without youI would
And I do want you know I'll hold you up above everyoneAnd I do want you know I think you'd be good to meAnd I'd be so good to you
I'd be good to you, I'd be good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be so good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be good to youI'd be good to you, I'd be so good to you
Justin Timberlake Mirrors
Aren't you somethin' to admire, cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Aren't you somethin', an original, cause it doesn't seem merely assembled
And I can't help but stare cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Mayday Parade Miserable at Best

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best