It's midnight right now. I should be asleep. Today is just one of those days. I am so sick of thinking about him. Is it possible that I could just think about something else for five minutes!? Who cares what the heck he is thinking, or doing, or saying!? Who cares if you had a fun memory with him!? That is LONG gone and unimportant! He is nothing to you now, "just somebody that you used to know." I am sick of feeling like I have to constantly prove to him and more importantly to myself that I really am a catch. I am someone. For some dumb reason lately I have really been doubting that. Why? Because that confidence that you always see in me isn't real. I have been faking it until I make it from day one. Day one of what? I don't know, just day one. I think 100% of the time faking it until I have made it has totally worked. I pretend like everything is great and eventually it is! But for confidence it has just never done it.
One day I was with a friend and she told me that there is a difference in self-confidence, self-image, and self-worth. Self-image is how you see yourself, self-confidence is what others see, and self-worth is what the Lord sees. I guess with that I have a lot of self-confidence with that definition, but my self-image is not exactly where it should be. Never has been. I think too much, and that TOTALLY gets to me. Wouldn't it just be great to be able to shut off the brain every once in a while?
I am so SICK of it all! I want my care-free, silly, friendship back. I am tired of him ignoring me and pretending like I just don't exist now. I am tired of watching him flirt with all my friends while I just have to stand there and take it. If you are going to do that, at least acknowledge the fact that I am standing right there! I am tired of him inviting my friends places while I sit at home doing nothing. Or him inviting me just because he invited my friends and feels obligated to because I over heard it. I don't understand what is so hard about just being friends! Why can't he do that? He is the one who ended it! I guess I am confused. When he left he said he wanted to be best friends still. I can do that. But don't best friends at least talk every once in a while? I thought best friend hung out and invited each other places. Guess not.
So today I did the millenium, which is a mile on a track but instead of running the straights you go up and down the stadium stairs. Then I went from there to go play basketball for a few hours. But right now I am at the point where I REALLY just want to go on my four mile run. If it weren't dark I would be gone by now. But it IS dark, so unless I find someone to go with I am stuck at home. I am racking my brain to think of someone or some way that I can get out and run. I am dying inside. I NEED to get out and run! I have a feeling that even though my legs are jello and I am actually tired, if I went out it would be a dang good run. I could probably go forever, just me and my thoughts.
This is so stupid. I guess I am that girl I was making fun of. Figures. "What isn't a part of us doesn't disturb us." I always think that I am totally over it, and I like to believe that I am. I don't have feelings for him anymore, but there are moments where I miss something. Whether it is him or the companionship I am not 100% sure. I like to think it is the companionship. I hate being alone; I have always been like that, but since I have gone from having someone who was always with me to having nothing, it has intensified. I can't even cry about it. I really don't want to either. Even IF I wanted to, my body just won't let me. I have tried. So it gets bottled up with the rest of everything. One day I will explode but until then, "I am wearing a smile that I don't believe in. Inside I feel like screaming!"
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