"Happy Wife, Happy Life" (FAML)

 This week in class we are focusing on intimacy in our marriages. This quote is what stood out to me. 

       "When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband"

                         Brent A. Barlow

     The most interesting part is where Barlow talks about the impact we women have in keeping our men close to us. I was reminded of when Gottman did a study on married couples and how most of the time the wife is the one who is likely to show contempt and to criticize. Can you see the connection?     

   When the women set time aside to welcome their husband home from work, to talk to them about their crazy day and its stresses the husband is going to feel loved and wanted because his wife is giving him positive attention. She is showing him that every part of him is important to her. When Husband comes home and the wife starts nagging him about not doing enough or being gone too much he isn't going to feel like she missed him very much or like she wants him around. This is going to push him away. He could even potentially start looking for positive attention in other ways. 

    In marriage, intimacy grows when we are able to feel loved by our spouse. We grow together when we are able to enjoy each other's company or when we can joke together. It helps us to be confident in that love that we share. 

      I was talking to my mom last night about family she said the wife is who sets the tone for the family. She is the one who is home with the children and doing most of the housework while husband is at work. If the wife is cranky all of the time or does end up criticizing or showing contempt to her husband (or even vise versa) how can the couple trust each other to be intimate? I know it would be hard for me if I was not totally confident that my husband loved and adored me. 

     

Scripture Power! (FDREL)

                                     Destruction of temple                                           The second coming of Christ




Events to occur                Apostles Hated                                             False Christ's  
                                         Apostles killed                                             Signs and Wonders
                                         False Prophets                                              Rumors of wars
                                         Love will wax cold                                      




Promises to                    Won't be deceived                                           There will be no fear
the Righteous                 Will love neighbors                                         Won't be deceived





To give hope: Those who are prepared and are trying their best have no reason to fear. Those who need to fear of those who follow Satan. It is his kingdom that is going to be destroyed.




Ok, There is my religion work for this week. We talked a lot about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. My favorite part was in verse 43 of Matthew 24. It says "But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up." Doing things early is not my strong point. As I read this verse I realized that Heavenly Father built in a plan for those of us who procrastinate. He wasn't going to let us know when the Savior would come again. That way we would always be preparing instead of wasting time and trying to fix everything at the last minute. Think about it, even without the knowledge of when Christ is coming we still tend to put things off, like reading our scriptures or forgiving others. We tell ourselves that we will do it tomorrow. But when does that actually happen? Not as often as we would like. Not knowing should kick us into gear and get us worrying about not being prepared enough. That really put things into perspective for me. Thank you scripture power!  

Discover Dreams? Check! (FAML)

        I feel like in this week's reading there wasn't as much new stuff as there usually is. It talked about getting ourselves out of gridlocked problems. Those are the perpetual problems in marriage that you can't really solve, you just have to live with. And when I say that I am sure you feel kind of stuck and you are probably thinking something along the lines of "Isn't that what marriage books are for, to help me get OUT of all the problems?" Funny how sometimes books tell us what we already know. Really though there are problems that just don't ever seem to get solved. That is okay! They don't have to be solved in order to have a good marriage.
     In this book though, Gottman teaches us ways to get passed the annoyance and anger that comes with these unsolved problems. He tells us that when we have these problems most of the time it is because dreams are not being realized. This makes a huge difference. When we can understand that the arguments we seem to be having all of the time are because someone's dreams aren't being met it helps us see things in a different light. Instead of the problem being super annoying and aggravating all of a sudden we see a need that we can help our spouse with.
      The other day my husband and I were talking about the most ridiculous thing.He had been teasing me and  He wanted me to admit things and there was no way that was going to happen. I thought it was silly and totally unnecessary. However he saw it as a trust thing. If I couldn't be totally open and honest about even the small silly things how am I going to be able to talk about the hard stuff? After a little bit things started to get annoying. I saw no purpose in having that conversation.
      I don't know if I realized until after what I was doing, but instead of stonewalling him (which I probably would have done) I decided to ask him why this was all so important to him. We ended up being able to have a good conversation which helped me to better understand where he was coming from. We thought of different things from his past and other reasons as to why this would affect him so much.  Afterward I went back to reading this book and I realized that we had been having the conversation that Gottman teaches us to have. #RelationshipGoalAccomplished! Now lets see if we can keep that going.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (FDREL)

    Time to get churched! This week while I was reading I came across John 12:27. It says: "Now is my soul troubled; and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour." I don't know what was so powerful about this verse but I really like it. It helps me to see that 1) even the Savior didn't want to go through the trials that were planned for Him. And 2) Our trials are given to us for a purpose. We were supposed to come down to earth and be tried. It was in the plans for us to struggle. How can we ask God to take away our trials when they have to happen for us to grow? There are so many times that I wish I didn't have to go through hard times, but after reading this I can't ask for them to go away. Instead I need to ask what I should do to become stronger. I should ask for my abilities to match my trial. I know the Savior will give us the strength that we need. He is there for us. We have to have tough times, but as we ask for that extra help and strength we will receive it and be able to come out even stronger and better.

     I also want to talk a little bit about the widow who gave all that she had. This story is in Mark 12. A widow who is poor gave two mites into a treasury. Many who were wealthy put much more than this in. However this women's contribution meant much more. She had put in all that she had left of her money.This shows her dedication to the Lord and that she trusted Him. She loved Him enough to give all that she had to Him.I don't know about you, but that would be so hard for me. It is hard enough to pay one tenth of the money I earn let alone give it all to the Savior. I guess that means that I need to strengthen my faith, so that if that was ever necessary I could give to the Lord with no complaints.

Conduct Companionship Inventory (FAML)

        "At the end of you weekly planning session, share with your companion appropriate goals and ask for his or her help to accomplish them....Discuss any challenges that may be keeping your companionship from working in unity or from being obedient. Resolve conflicts." As a missionary you read these words from Preach My Gospel (the handbook that missionaries use) every single week for 78-104 weeks depending on if you are a sister missionary or an elder.  After we plan our week out (which we do once a week) there is a time set aside for the missionaries to discuss the good and bad of the companionship. And in case you haven't noticed the two guys on bikes in suits, those two are called a companionship. They will be together for a minimum of 6 weeks and many times 12. They are not allowed to leave each other unless in the shower or bathroom. So as you can imagine that is a lot of one person. It can get irritating after awhile because the missionaries don't choose who they are going to be with. During this time that is set apart it is the perfect for talking about anything that is bothering the missionaries so that they can work together better. It creates a loving atmosphere (hopefully) to discuss things that are usually pretty sensitive, When it was that time of the week for my companions and I, I knew what was coming and it helped me to be less defensive about things when my companion had any problems. I knew that if I kept a cool head it would be a lot easier to accept things and it created a better way to talk things through and get to a resolution.
     I am sure you are thinking "that is great and all but I don't really care about what the missionaries do." Here is where I am going with this. In my marriage class this week we talked about how to resolve or live with conflicts. As I read I thought about my experiences on the mission and how as I followed the suggestions in Preach My Gospel my companion and I got a long so much better. With each companion there were things that bothered me that I couldn't change but I learned to live with it because we could talk and figure out a way to compromise.
     In Gottman's book he talked about how most marital conflicts are on going and probably won't go away. But he also said that it doesn't mean when couples have those problems that they can't have a happy marriage. It is all about how they go about discussing it with each other. There are some dos and don'ts to bringing this kind of stuff up. The first key is to make sure that we don't start these conversations already heated and in a rude way. Do you remember when I talked about flooding? Flooding is when someone is overwhelmed in their mind or physically. It makes it really hard to think rationally and it could cause some damage to a marriage. As we softly bring up the matter our spouse will be more likely to want to listen to what we have to say instead of stonewalling and tuning us out. Both of you will be able to think more openly and be able to resolve things more effectively. We also need to acknowledge that we share some responsibility in the matter. That is probably the hardest part for most of us.
     We also need to show our spouse that we notice the things that they do right and that we appreciate it. If they feel like all we are doing is noticing what they are doing wrong they are going to have a hard time wanting to listen.
   And something that we need to remember is that when we get worked up so do our spouses and for husbands it is harder for them to relax and calm down after they get worked up. If it gets too heated take a break, walk away until you are both calm enough to talk about things and can work toward something.
       Being a missionary really helped me to be prepared for marriage and how to handle problems. It taught me basically these same principles and gave me a year and a half worth of practice before hand. These things do and will help. It is our job to make sure that we keep things cool.

Thanks? (FDREL)

     In light of the thanksgiving spirit, I decided to focus on one of the parables we read in class this week. Can you guess which one it is?....If you guessed the one were Jesus heals the 10 lepers you are right! This is one of my favorites. And for those of you who have no idea what this parable is about here is a brief summary: Jesus heals 10 lepers of their disease and tells them to go and show the priests what has happened. As they all run off one of them stops and decides to go thank the Savior for what He has done. So there you go that is the jist (sp?). But now I want to get into a couple of things...1) in one of the verses the after the man comes back to thank Him it says " Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?.....and He said unto him, Arise, go they way; thy faith hath made thee whole." Alright what are you thoughts on this? To me it almost sounds like because that one was thankful and faithful he stayed clean, but because the others didn't thank him they got the disease back. Is that what you see in those verses? I really want to talk to someone who was there or is the prophet and ask them if those 9 got their disease back. Not that it really matters because the lesson is still well taught in this parable.
    We need to be thankful for EVERYTHING we have and we need to show GRATITUDE for it all. I think that is one thing that is hard for our society. We are too prideful sometimes and assume that whatever we gain is because we are so great. That is sad. Who gave us those talents and abilities? Who helps us strengthen them? And who can take them away? There is one simple answer. Heavenly Father. I don't know about you but I don't see my name or anyone else typed there. We do not do it on our own. If we are ungrateful for the talents he has given us and do not use them He has warned that He can and will take them away from us. He has given them to us to further the gospel. If we are going to ignore the talents we have then why should he waste them on us?
2) Think of what the Savior did for these lepers. Not only did heal them of a terrible disease that rots the skin starting at the fingers and toes and moves its way in; but He gave them a life again. At that point in time, the lepers were confined to an area outside of the city walls because they were so contagious. People would avoid them at all costs (which is understandable, but sad). They had to wear bells so that others would know that they were around and they were basically left their to die. Who wants that kind of life of solitude? Not a single healthy person. So by taking this disease from the lepers the Savior literally made it possible for these people to have a life.
    Can you imagine walking away after this happens to you and not saying thank you? I can't. Yet we do little things on our own that show ingratitude. Talking about this makes me think...did I pay my tithing this month? Have I given any service to anyone or used my talents lately? When we do these small things we are showing Heavenly Father and the Savior that we recognize our blessings and are giving them the credit. When we pay our tithing we are saying "thank you", for the job they let us have, or for the health that we have so that we can work.

"Anything You Say Dear" (FAML)

      This week was a good one for readings in this class. The chapter we read was about letting our spouse influence us. Did you know that if you (and by that I mostly mean you husbands) don't let your spouse influence you there is an 81% chance that your marriage will end in divorce? Now before you get mad at me and say I am sexist and don't think that women need to do that as well, let me explain. In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Gottman states that most of the time it is the husband who doesn't let his wife influence him. First I should probably explain a couple things. When I refer to influence I mean he doesn't let her make decisions with him, and he doesn't give her a say in many things. Guys, and by guys I mean everyone, this is actually really dangerous to your marriage. Second I should say that when we let our spouse influence us it is a way to show respect. Gottman talked about a man who even when his wife disagrees with him he doesn't go and make the decision without her. He says "I wouldn't think about making a decision she disagreed with. That would be very disrespectful. We talk and talk about it till we both agree, and then I make the decision." As Gottman would say, this is a very emotionally intelligent husband. Letting our spouses influence us can strengthen our marriages and strengthen the trust that we have.
    There was one point after my mission that I was talking to my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and he told me that there was a dirt bike that he really wanted to buy. He told me that it was super cheap and that he had enough money from his tax return to pay for it. He then went on to say that if I didn't want him to buy it he could also put it into his savings account for later. I loved this. Not only was he asking me to help him make a fairly big decision at that point (he was planning on us getting married and knew we could use the money for other things), but he was giving me options and asking for my opinion on it all. He wanted to see what I thought and he based his decision off of my answers. Now at that point I am pretty sure I told him that he could make the decision and choose what he wanted but that I thought it would be better to put it into savings. I didn't force him to do anything but because of our conversation he decided to put the money into savings instead.
     That helped me to trust him more because I could see that he wanted to know my side. He was interested in the things that I had to say. I definitely know that this is an important thing to practice as a married couple. I can see the difference that it makes and I am so glad I have such a wonderful husband who encourages me to help him.