How Do You Repair? (FAML)

This week in my Family class we started a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and it is so good so far! I don't know, maybe it is just me and I just like learning about marriage and the family. But here are a couple of things that I noticed. 

        One thing is that happily married couples are healthier than those who are fighting all of the time. I never thought about that but it makes complete sense. When you are fighting all of the time you body is spending more energy, it is a lot more stressed out, especially for those who are just waiting for their spouse to explode. And I am sure they aren't getting good enough sleep. But with all of that wear and tear of course your immune system isn't going to be able to handle the bigger sicknesses. 

    The other thing that stood out to me was the fact that Gottman says most marital conflicts cannot be resolved. I once saw a video where a wife was talking to her husband about this pain she feels in her head. As they pan out there is a nail in her forehead. Her husband pipes in and tells her that her problem is that there is a nail in her head and that her problems would go away if she would take it out. As he does so the wife looks at him almost glaring and says "Its not about the nail!" The wife goes on to explain that her husband just isn't listening and she just needs to have him listen to her and sympathize. With the little things like leaving the toilet seat up, or not doing the dishes Gottman tells us that there are deeper problems that aren't getting resolved. What we need to realize is that those smaller issues are us trying to change our spouse. That isn't going to happen and we shouldn't expect it to. All it really takes is honoring and respecting each other. With some of the examples that Gottman uses it sounds like most of the wives have little respect for their husbands and that is what makes the arguing worse and more hurtful.

Gottman tells us that it is ok for us to argue, every couple does, but when we have that mutual respect and honor for each other we make sure that the arguments don't get out of hand. When that happens is when the contempt and distrust comes in.

What are some repair attempts that you use to make sure things don't get out of hand? Are there some that work better than others?