I really feel like ranting tonight.
First: The 10 keys to understanding Skeeter.
If I am....
1) Posting pictures of it, I had a blast at the event or loved whatever I took a picture of.
2) Posting/sharing quotes, they are usually relevant to what I am struggling with and I am trying to make myself feel better and remind myself that things are going to be ok.
3) Putting up song lyrics, you can guarantee that song has played at least 50 times that day and it most likely reflects how I am feeling.
4) Being really nice to you, I am trying really hard to mend our relationship that I most likely screwed up. This means I actually feel terrible about the way I treated you and I really want to make it up to you. Honestly.
5) Not answering your texts and don't talk to you much in person, I probably am ignoring you and you should leave me alone so I can cool down and miss you a little.
6) Not answering your texts and talking to you plenty in person, I am just busy and I read your text but forgot to reply.
7) Crossing my arms, I am probably not happy OR I am not comfortable in the situation I am in.
8) Acting competitive, there is probably something bothering me.
9) Running, there is 100% something irking me and I am trying to deal with it.
10) With my friends, I am happy :)
My Pet Peeves:
1) When people pretend to be friends with someone. If you don't like them, ignore them! Don't worry about what they are doing! Mind your own business.
2) People chewing with their mouths open.
3) When people lie to me.
4) Shaking the basket under my desk seat.
5) Don't turn on a movie unless you plan on watching it.
6) Be open-minded (I am just now realizing how annoying it is when people won't even give something a try. Especially when you know they will like it.)
There you go. Now you should analyze everything I do and see if you can notice these things!....right ha I wonder how many of you will even remember these things after 2 minutes. Actually I want to see what you guys think? For those of you who know me, is this accurate? Do you have anything you want to add?
So I feel like this week has been particularly hard for me. It started off great which should have been a warning sign that it would tank. But I found out that people have been talking about me. That would be ok if it was good stuff, but I guess I have been caring too much about what I look like and wearing immodest clothing. Oh if I could swear! It gets me so worked up. I guess I have been posting pictures of me in tank tops and that I am not dressing the way a future missionary should. Ok first off, I had one picture and I deleted that one for those of you who were not liking a little shoulder showing. Sorry didn't know that was offensive! Its not like I had cleavage showing. It was a flippin head shot...there was barely any shoulder in it! That was even before I decided to go on a mission.
Anyway then I went through my other pictures to see if that was still the case. There weren't any other pictures. However I realized there were a lot of boating pictures where I am in tank tops. Pause I know I just told you there weren't other ones. When I say I was in a tank top I was literally on the boat with a full one piece swim suit underneath and shorts on over the bottom half of my suit. Who is immodest? I would say that is even over dressed for swimming.
Besides that, I have garments that I am wearing 24/7 so I have to be covering those up, I can't even be wearing stuff like that anymore. After I started wearing garments I went through my clothes and guess who didn't have to toss a single thing. Yep! This girl! All of my stuff was modest enough for G's.
Wow can you tell this is getting me worked up!? I seriously can't believe someone would say that stuff about me. I thought I had done such a good job at not giving people a reason to talk about me poorly. There is a quote that says "Be the type of person that if someone said something bad about you no one would believe it." That was the goal being here again. I guess I fail.
As for caring what I look like. I'm sorry I like to shower and smell nice. Nobody likes a slob who doesn't take care of themselves. And do you want to know something? I learned how to care about my looks from all of you people. Yep, you Utahns. I learned here that it is important to look nice and wear decent clothes. Some people here are so judgmental! Here is a thought: maybe it's about what is going on in my own mind and not what you guys are thinking. Who cares if I am wearing make up or nice jeans? Maybe I just got bored and started doing my make up to entertain myself, which sadly happens a lot. Maybe I like the feeling of nice jeans over cheap ones? Maybe I really don't care what you all are thinking and I am just doing what I want. I am sorry I feel better about myself when I am wearing clothes that actually fit me.
I know I am far from perfect. Especially when it comes to missionary perfection. I feel like the second you decide to go on a mission people start looking at you and analyzing what you do. You have to be absolutely perfect or they start talking. They feel like they have the right to decide whether or not you are worthy or fit to go. There was a reason I never wanted to go.... I didn't ever think I was good enough to go on a mission. I feel totally inadequate and unprepared. I don't feel like your typical missionary girl, which nowadays isn't typical anymore because of all these girls going. Either way I am not your little miss perfect who does everything right the first time. So I am going to be making mistakes before the mission, on it, and afterward. I mess up plenty and you know what? So do you! It's fine! That is what we do! We are here to mess up and learn from it. So cool you can trash talk me. Now, go fix yourself.
Ok one last thing I wanted to discuss tonight. You have absolutely no clue what someone is going through. You have no room to judge them. I am realizing that when we start to judge we make these judgments based on what we know. The thing is, we don't see the whole picture. We don't know everything exactly that is going on. Our judgments are skewed. They are probably handling things better than you or I ever could have.We all deal with things differently. The best thing we can do is just be there for that person and show them that we love them. Charity-the pure love of Christ can heal so many wounds, yet we sit here and judge these people instead of reaching out to them. Major fail on our societies part. Next time you want to think negatively about someone think about what is going on in their lives. Remind yourself that you aren't perfect and neither are they.
"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you".
Whew! That was fun! I wish you could read this how I would be saying it. Especially on the sarcastic parts but whatever. These are the my thoughts at 2:00 am.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way
I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,You know I live my life like a gypsy(Call Me Shinedown)
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Astronaut
Exactly 60 days from today I will be entering the MTC. That is so weird to me! I still can't believe I decided to serve a mission. Ha well I guess I didn't really decide to. Heavenly Father told me to so I am obeying after eight months of disobeying. Yikes. I wonder how things would have worked had I decided to start on my papers in October. Its all in the Lord's time so would things have taken awhile? It has been insane to look back on the last year and see how things have lead me to this point in my life. All of these little things that have happened have such a huge impact on it. Story time!
I remember praying around January if I should take a job offer in Idaho or my current job as a nanny. I have ALWAYS hated fast food and I refused to work there, but I really needed a job so I applied at Chik-Fil-A. A couple days after I applied my now "boss" (they are more friends than bosses), called and asked if I wanted to work for them while I wasn't in school. Immediately I jumped on that opportunity. The only down fall was that it was in Utah and the last time I had been there I hadn't enjoyed it. Things weren't set in stone yet so I still went through the hiring process at CFA. Everything went really well and I was almost 100% positive I had the job there. At that point I had also been having interviews with a cell phone accessory company. That would have had me driving from Rexburg to Idaho Falls on a regular basis. I didn't have the money to be driving back and for like that when I needed to be saving up for school. At this point I decided that I needed to just pray about things. I didn't really want the CFA job but I would definitely take it if it meant I was employed and earning money. Then there was the cell phone place which actually would have been fun because I would have been working with a friend and other college kids. BUT I wanted the nanny job because lets face it, I love working with kids and that totally beats out fast food and cell phones!
All of these jobs were up in the air and I was just waiting to hear back from each. I told Heavenly Father that I had no clue which one I wanted because of the different situations and I asked him to have the best one for me offer the job first. I had little faith that it would actually happen that way because I had heard you don't make deals with God. Either way, my current bosses called me one night (and by night I mean like 10 pm) and told me that if I wanted to I could come down and work for them. Obviously I accepted. The next morning CFA called and offered me the job there. I am so glad I was able to tell them I had another job now.
Had I not moved down here to Utah I for sure would not be going on my mission, I would not have learned the lessons I needed to. I thought I would come down here, work for 3 months, have nothing happen, and then go back up to school the same person I was. I don't think I could have been more wrong!
Instead I have been here for seven months, getting in car accidents, learning how to love, wakeboarding, and most importantly learning how to listen to the spirit. I took the spring sememster off, and now I am taking the next three or four off to go on my mission. So much has changed. I decided that I am not going to make any specific plans for my life anymore. Any time I do they end up completely different than what I expected.
Life: just take it as it comes.
As I was sitting here typing I just realized that I will be entering the MTC just a few days shy of the year mark of the age change. Sweet! It's already been a year! Can you believe that!? I am super jealous of the girls who report the 16th of October. They are the exact year mark. Anyway these are all random thoughts that are just coming to my mind.
I keep wanting to talk about how I am feeling but every time I do something stops me. Not sure what it is but it is probably a good thing that it does.
So it is the tenth of August. I should have been getting married today. Its strange to think about. I never thought I could have been able to get that close to someone. I always thought about situations that I would have as a married person and I would think "there is no way I could ever be that comfortable with someone." This time I was totally ready to marry him. Just weird. I wonder if he even knows or remembers that today was the day. Will he even realize what the date is? Oh well if he doesn't. That wouldn't surprise me at all...
On a different note: I don't know what it is but lately (and by that I mean this week), I have really just been tired of taking care of everyone. I mean I love it and that is pretty much what I live for but I wish someone would just spontaneously do something for me instead of the other way around. I feel like I do a ton for people. Today it just kind of hit me though that I want to be driven around, and I want someone to cook for me, or clean up for me. I am tired of doing it all on my own.
Someone commented and said "You're only what 19 and you are already tired of it?" I was thinking that too then I thought...Wrong! I am 20. Seriously though, I realized that I clean up after three young kids who eat, spill, play, and get sick. I have to be getting them ready for the day, keeping them entertained, feeding them, and making sure they aren't getting into trouble.
I am also preparing for my mission so I am setting up Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, getting prescriptions, and boring grown up stuff, while trying to do everything with the kids and work around their schedules.
Then I have my amazing friends who have been there for me and now need my support. So of course I am there for them and hoping that I am helping them feel better or just making sure things are good for them. Another one of my friends said that his biggest fear is not being able to help his friends. I share that same fear. It is terrible sitting and watching while people hurt or just need help doing something and you can't do anything to make it easier. Even then half of the time they aren't really asking me for anything but I am offering to do things for them to make their lives easier. Sometimes I really feel like I am more of a mother figure to people than I am a friend. My sister always made fun of me in high school and said the same thing. I was always the "mother" in our friendships. I guess that is just how I show people I love them. Is there a 6th Love Language that is "Caring for and being cared for"? That would probably go under service huh?
Hmm....this almost sounds like I am bragging about how good of a friend I am. I promise that is not the point of this at all and there are times when I am a terrible friend....but we don't need to get into that.
Anyway, that is what is on my mind at 2:30 in the morning :)
I remember praying around January if I should take a job offer in Idaho or my current job as a nanny. I have ALWAYS hated fast food and I refused to work there, but I really needed a job so I applied at Chik-Fil-A. A couple days after I applied my now "boss" (they are more friends than bosses), called and asked if I wanted to work for them while I wasn't in school. Immediately I jumped on that opportunity. The only down fall was that it was in Utah and the last time I had been there I hadn't enjoyed it. Things weren't set in stone yet so I still went through the hiring process at CFA. Everything went really well and I was almost 100% positive I had the job there. At that point I had also been having interviews with a cell phone accessory company. That would have had me driving from Rexburg to Idaho Falls on a regular basis. I didn't have the money to be driving back and for like that when I needed to be saving up for school. At this point I decided that I needed to just pray about things. I didn't really want the CFA job but I would definitely take it if it meant I was employed and earning money. Then there was the cell phone place which actually would have been fun because I would have been working with a friend and other college kids. BUT I wanted the nanny job because lets face it, I love working with kids and that totally beats out fast food and cell phones!
All of these jobs were up in the air and I was just waiting to hear back from each. I told Heavenly Father that I had no clue which one I wanted because of the different situations and I asked him to have the best one for me offer the job first. I had little faith that it would actually happen that way because I had heard you don't make deals with God. Either way, my current bosses called me one night (and by night I mean like 10 pm) and told me that if I wanted to I could come down and work for them. Obviously I accepted. The next morning CFA called and offered me the job there. I am so glad I was able to tell them I had another job now.
Had I not moved down here to Utah I for sure would not be going on my mission, I would not have learned the lessons I needed to. I thought I would come down here, work for 3 months, have nothing happen, and then go back up to school the same person I was. I don't think I could have been more wrong!
Instead I have been here for seven months, getting in car accidents, learning how to love, wakeboarding, and most importantly learning how to listen to the spirit. I took the spring sememster off, and now I am taking the next three or four off to go on my mission. So much has changed. I decided that I am not going to make any specific plans for my life anymore. Any time I do they end up completely different than what I expected.
Life: just take it as it comes.
As I was sitting here typing I just realized that I will be entering the MTC just a few days shy of the year mark of the age change. Sweet! It's already been a year! Can you believe that!? I am super jealous of the girls who report the 16th of October. They are the exact year mark. Anyway these are all random thoughts that are just coming to my mind.
I keep wanting to talk about how I am feeling but every time I do something stops me. Not sure what it is but it is probably a good thing that it does.
So it is the tenth of August. I should have been getting married today. Its strange to think about. I never thought I could have been able to get that close to someone. I always thought about situations that I would have as a married person and I would think "there is no way I could ever be that comfortable with someone." This time I was totally ready to marry him. Just weird. I wonder if he even knows or remembers that today was the day. Will he even realize what the date is? Oh well if he doesn't. That wouldn't surprise me at all...
On a different note: I don't know what it is but lately (and by that I mean this week), I have really just been tired of taking care of everyone. I mean I love it and that is pretty much what I live for but I wish someone would just spontaneously do something for me instead of the other way around. I feel like I do a ton for people. Today it just kind of hit me though that I want to be driven around, and I want someone to cook for me, or clean up for me. I am tired of doing it all on my own.
Someone commented and said "You're only what 19 and you are already tired of it?" I was thinking that too then I thought...Wrong! I am 20. Seriously though, I realized that I clean up after three young kids who eat, spill, play, and get sick. I have to be getting them ready for the day, keeping them entertained, feeding them, and making sure they aren't getting into trouble.
I am also preparing for my mission so I am setting up Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, getting prescriptions, and boring grown up stuff, while trying to do everything with the kids and work around their schedules.
Then I have my amazing friends who have been there for me and now need my support. So of course I am there for them and hoping that I am helping them feel better or just making sure things are good for them. Another one of my friends said that his biggest fear is not being able to help his friends. I share that same fear. It is terrible sitting and watching while people hurt or just need help doing something and you can't do anything to make it easier. Even then half of the time they aren't really asking me for anything but I am offering to do things for them to make their lives easier. Sometimes I really feel like I am more of a mother figure to people than I am a friend. My sister always made fun of me in high school and said the same thing. I was always the "mother" in our friendships. I guess that is just how I show people I love them. Is there a 6th Love Language that is "Caring for and being cared for"? That would probably go under service huh?
Hmm....this almost sounds like I am bragging about how good of a friend I am. I promise that is not the point of this at all and there are times when I am a terrible friend....but we don't need to get into that.
Anyway, that is what is on my mind at 2:30 in the morning :)
Can anybody hear me?
Or am I talking to myself?
My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?
I'm deafened by the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?
Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?
So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!
And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!
Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down? [x3]
Or am I talking to myself?
My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?
I'm deafened by the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?
Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?
So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!
And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!
Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down? [x3]
Um, this song is spot on! The past few days I have wanted to post the lyrics to the songs that I am feeling and this one was so right that I finally posted it. Its called Astronaut. Hence the name of this post. I am obsessed with it right now.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Ten
It would have been 10 days from now. Why did I think about that? The day of August 10th is going to be a painful one....I guess I have nothing else to say. I just wanted to say that.
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