They Call Me Skeeter

     I slept last night! I was in bed by ten and asleep before 10:30. That is a record for me as of late. The past few weeks I have had the most difficult time sleeping. I feel like the second my heard hits the pillow my brain tells my heart to start racing and it decides that it needs to think about everything I have been stressing about, things I am anxious for, and anything that needs to get done the next day. And the worst part it decides to ponder on the people that I hurt lately. I hate seeing people hurt, or just knowing that they are hurting....it ends up hurting me too.
     I always say that I can't be mean to people. I guess that is a lie, because when I need to end something I end up being really mean (well at least I think I am) and then I completely regret it after. The thing is its ended and it needed to be ended so I can't just go up to the person, call them, or even text them to let know that I feel horrible. That would start things right up again and eventually put me in the same place I was when I tried to end it. So I end up laying in bed wondering if they are ok, and wanting to do something to help them feel better. Then I start to question what would happen if I ran into them or if I were to try talking to them. I try not to ponder that thought too long, because that just makes it more painful. So as I am laying in bed I am going through all of these emotions of sadness, gratitude, sadness, independence,....what's the word I am looking for? I have this sense of what I did was best for me and the other person and that it was the right move on my part, and then lastly did I mention sadness? Well put that on the list.
      I never remember the part where my brain finally decides to shut down and let me sleep, but it is usually around 2 or 3. So getting sleep last night is a huge! I am so excited that it happened. I crawled into bed and literally started counting sheep the second my head it the pillow. I laughed to myself at the thought that I could fall asleep before I hit 1,000 however I fell asleep around 900 is my guess. I stopped at 700 and focused on my breathing and before I knew it, I was asleep! As I was counting I realized that I could think of other things, but it wouldn't allowing me to really focus on what I was thinking about so I was able to block out the negative experiences I have been having and I was able to sleep. I really hope that I can keep doing that and eventually get back into my routine of falling asleep a minute after I am in bed. Guess we will see how it goes tonight.
       And to those I have hurt, I seriously doubt you are reading this, however I really am sorry and I feel so bad for what happened. Hopefully in the future things can get straightened out.
      Until then, buenos noches.