Yay! The girls have this week off! That means I get to sleep in a whole hour. I am actually really excited about this! Now, what to do? what to do? Today we went to the mall and wasted time there. I only got one pair of jeans fro Bohme. But I am stoked I have been dying to get another pair. However, I do think the Bohme in Idaho Falls is better than the one here in Layton.
So after that horrendous week, things have started to go up-hill. That cute boy I mentioned, yeah Mr. Perfect, he is officially mine now! Love it! :) I feel so lucky and blessed to have him around. Maybe that is why we got in the accident in the first place? I like to think so but hey who knows for sure. That accident though has really sped things along for us. I wonder all the time where we would be had it not happened. Maybe we wouldn't even be dating, or we would but we wouldn't be as close? Either way it has worked out so far.
And as of a few days ago I decided that I needed to take this next semester of school off. I know you are probably all thinking I am an idiot and that I am only staying behind for this guy. While he did play a small factor in my choice, he isn't the only reason. After paying for the citation and deductible I realized I wouldn't have the money for this next semester even with fafsa. So after much stress and praying I felt it was a good idea to stay here. It just made sense. Now I get to keep my awesome job as a nanny and just save my cash until September. I am glad to have finally made a decision and not have to worry about that now. So my major stress is going to be selling my contract at my apartment....this is scary. With the age change there are LOADS of people not coming back. This is the smallest semester to start with and then with all of the girls going on missions and the lower ages these will be record low numbers. Yay, I love worrying about this stuff....or not.
Well, I feel like a ton has happened since the last time I posted and like I have been super busy, but now that I am sitting here I cannot think of anything that great to talk about it.
Oh! We did have Easter. So my mom and a few of my sisters came down to UT for the general YW broadcast but unfortunately for me they went back up the ID right after so I didn't get to spend Easter with any of my family. So instead my mom gave Mike my basket and he went and hid it in his sister's house for me to find. It was really cute, after his nieces and nephew were done searching for their eggs he told them that the Easter bunny new that I wasn't with my family and had hidden my basket at their house. So we all went down and searched together. Had it not been for his nephew I would have been searching for hours! After finding it we all chilled and then went up to his grandma's home to have dinner. While we were there the Duke/Louisville game was on. As we were watching the most gnarly thing happened. Can you guess? (It is all over facebook). One of the Louisville guys jumped and landed wrong on the side of his foot. His shin bone snapped in half and was sticking out 6 inches. Talk about the most disgusting scene. After first we didn't see it. The TV was muted and all we saw were his teammates drop to the ground and cover their faces. As we watched the replay our stomaches turned. It was a train wreck, you want to look away but you can't. Yikes it makes me squirm.
ANYWAY, I also got a really cute basket from the people I work for. This made my day, it had more make up, make up brushes, and my favorite candy. Does it get any better than that? Hardly. Other than that it was kind of just a normal Sunday. Well I am tired, it is late, and I need to get to bed. If I think of anything else worth posting tomorrow I will.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
You're Kidding...Right?
Yes it is long, but it should be an interesting read!
If ever there was a week where I needed to be impressive it was this one. However, I don't know if there has ever been a week so stacked against me. Other than the week when my roommate was about to stab me, I think this may be the most stressful and tiring week of my life. If not it is definitely top three, but I can't think of any other weeks that have been this way. Even flippin finals aren't half as stressful as this.
So let me start on a happier note. The dating game went....well I guess. The other girl who was with me was super cute and fun so I made a new friend there, but the best news is that the guy who first interviewed me to get some information about me was super cute. While he was interviewing me on Sunday we were talking and having a good time and I told him that I expected him to be there to help point out which guy I should choose. I know I am very shallow. Anyway he wasn't there so being the stalker I am, I went onto this wonderful thing called LDS tools and got his number. Everyone in the ward uses it so it isn't a big deal...right? Anyway we started talking and have been hanging out everyday for the past couple of weeks. He has been so amazing (you will understand why later). He found out that Sunday that I was new and from there on he has been introducing me to everyone making sure that I meet people and make new friends. I have literally been praying that while I was out here that I would be able to make new friends and to enjoy my time out here. Thanks to him that has happened and I am so grateful. :)
Now in case it isn't obvious, I am definitely liking this guy. So I need to put my best foot forward and try to impress him. Every one says that you should see the person you date in all seasons to see how they handle things. I think mother nature said this in reply "Why wait that long? Lets knock this all out in a week and see how fast we can scare people off!" So Monday he put me in as a leader for a family home evening group. That means this time I was in charge of doing the activities, He graciously took on the spiritual thought because I was not good enough for that (according to me not him). So Monday I put some games together and I think they went well. We definitely got some good laughs out of it. Then we go play basketball and I think I missed at least 85% of my shots....yikes.
Then Tuesday came around. This guy is always giving me rides and I always feel bad because I am kind of out of the way. So I went over to be with him while he babysat is nieces and after we had plans to go to the store and then go to my place and make cookies. I asked if I could drive him instead of taking separate cars and he finally agreed to let me drive. (little side note: the night before I asked to drive him and he wouldn't let me so I joked about him not trusting a woman to drive. I should have just kept my mouth shut). On our way to the store we ended up getting in a really bad car accident. My first ever car accident. After 4 years of a perfect record I crash with this guy I like sitting in the passenger seat, awkward right? The airbags deployed and everything. Not only was this the first time He had seen me drive, but to add to that I was driving a family friends' car and not my own. This has to have been one of the most terrifying, horrible feelings in the world. For those of you who have never been in an accident where the airbags go off, it adds to the severity of the whole thing. I don't even remember them going off. I just remember my arm kind of burning and then noticing that there was dust everywhere and it smelt like the car was on fire.
My initial thought was "Crap. This is exactly what Leroy was afraid of." Then I thought about how lucky I was that nothing came flying to hit me in the face when the airbags went off. Followed by the thought of "Get out of the car!!" So I tried opening my door and it was jammed closed. Great. So I had to awkwardly climb out of the car through the passenger side. Moments after the accident loads of police arrive along with an ambulance and fire engine. The entire time that we were filling out paper work all I could think of was how expensive this was going to be and how mad this would make Leroy and Kelli. To make things worse, Leroy wasn't even in town that night. Words can't describe the awful feeling I had and still have today. I wish it would just go away.
I could not have asked for a better passenger that night though. He was there for me the entire time making sure I was ok and keeping me calm. I really don't think he realizes how much he did for me that night. For that I am so grateful.
Wednesday came too fast, after hearing the crash over and over I got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep. Wednesday was a weird day for me. I woke up not sore at all and feeling a little bit better. I figured if I kept feeling like that I could get through the day. Not so. My emotions were on a roller coaster. I felt fine, and around lunch I got super angry. Its a good thing I work with kids because after doing something silly one of the girls looked at me and my anger went away. Then as I was putting the youngest one down I was singing hymns to her (she loves this). As I was singing I started really crying for the first time. She noticed, sat up, looked at me with a really sad face and said, "You're crying." I thought she was going to start crying with me. I quickly pulled myself together and finished singing until she was asleep. From there it was pretty smooth sailing. My favorite passenger came and walked with me to get the kindergartner from school and hung out with me for a little bit. After doing some work stuff he came and took me on a great date. :) We went to Kneaders which was delicious! Then we caught some air at Get Air, were we got to meet Jackson Carter from the biggest loser! Let me just say he was my favorite from the very first episode, so getting to meet him was insane for me! He was so nice! However we weren't allowed to get pictures because nobody knows how he looks right now-bummer. After a fire and some yummy s'mores we went back to my place and watching some Jim Gaffigan (sp?)...so funny!
Thursday wasn't so bad, until about 12:15 am. I woke up feeling like I was going to die from exhaustion, but luckily got in about an hour long nap. Nothing really happened until 9:30 that night though. oh! Except that I woke up from a nap to find that my eye was swollen. Why? I have no clue but I am just praying it doesn't get worse. I really don't need that right now. Anyway, we went and played basketball for a couple of hours and half way through our last game the police show up. Are you flippin kidding me!? And who else would it be other than the officer who drove us home from the accident on Tuesday. I was worried he was going to recognize me, but I had my hair up and a bandana on so I don't think he did. He walks in and asks if it is ok that we are in that building and then asks us if we knew it was past midnight. I don't think any of us actually realized how late it was. So he then proceeded to tell us how he was told that know one was to be allowed to be in the building after 10 pm. He then asked how many of us were over 18. I was thinking he wanted to get us for curfew, but then he said "I'm just looking to see how many people I am going to throw in jail tonight. I will hook and book all of you." Yeah he wasn't super nice. He threatened us a few more times and we told them we would leave and were on our way. So it wasn't too bad of a day until then.
On the plus side, I got another date with Mr. Perfect! (Don't tell him I called him that!) I am so excited!! :) Its finally Friday now, so I am hoping I can have a good day and then I get to see my family on Saturday! I am so excited!
If ever there was a week where I needed to be impressive it was this one. However, I don't know if there has ever been a week so stacked against me. Other than the week when my roommate was about to stab me, I think this may be the most stressful and tiring week of my life. If not it is definitely top three, but I can't think of any other weeks that have been this way. Even flippin finals aren't half as stressful as this.
So let me start on a happier note. The dating game went....well I guess. The other girl who was with me was super cute and fun so I made a new friend there, but the best news is that the guy who first interviewed me to get some information about me was super cute. While he was interviewing me on Sunday we were talking and having a good time and I told him that I expected him to be there to help point out which guy I should choose. I know I am very shallow. Anyway he wasn't there so being the stalker I am, I went onto this wonderful thing called LDS tools and got his number. Everyone in the ward uses it so it isn't a big deal...right? Anyway we started talking and have been hanging out everyday for the past couple of weeks. He has been so amazing (you will understand why later). He found out that Sunday that I was new and from there on he has been introducing me to everyone making sure that I meet people and make new friends. I have literally been praying that while I was out here that I would be able to make new friends and to enjoy my time out here. Thanks to him that has happened and I am so grateful. :)
Now in case it isn't obvious, I am definitely liking this guy. So I need to put my best foot forward and try to impress him. Every one says that you should see the person you date in all seasons to see how they handle things. I think mother nature said this in reply "Why wait that long? Lets knock this all out in a week and see how fast we can scare people off!" So Monday he put me in as a leader for a family home evening group. That means this time I was in charge of doing the activities, He graciously took on the spiritual thought because I was not good enough for that (according to me not him). So Monday I put some games together and I think they went well. We definitely got some good laughs out of it. Then we go play basketball and I think I missed at least 85% of my shots....yikes.
Then Tuesday came around. This guy is always giving me rides and I always feel bad because I am kind of out of the way. So I went over to be with him while he babysat is nieces and after we had plans to go to the store and then go to my place and make cookies. I asked if I could drive him instead of taking separate cars and he finally agreed to let me drive. (little side note: the night before I asked to drive him and he wouldn't let me so I joked about him not trusting a woman to drive. I should have just kept my mouth shut). On our way to the store we ended up getting in a really bad car accident. My first ever car accident. After 4 years of a perfect record I crash with this guy I like sitting in the passenger seat, awkward right? The airbags deployed and everything. Not only was this the first time He had seen me drive, but to add to that I was driving a family friends' car and not my own. This has to have been one of the most terrifying, horrible feelings in the world. For those of you who have never been in an accident where the airbags go off, it adds to the severity of the whole thing. I don't even remember them going off. I just remember my arm kind of burning and then noticing that there was dust everywhere and it smelt like the car was on fire.
My initial thought was "Crap. This is exactly what Leroy was afraid of." Then I thought about how lucky I was that nothing came flying to hit me in the face when the airbags went off. Followed by the thought of "Get out of the car!!" So I tried opening my door and it was jammed closed. Great. So I had to awkwardly climb out of the car through the passenger side. Moments after the accident loads of police arrive along with an ambulance and fire engine. The entire time that we were filling out paper work all I could think of was how expensive this was going to be and how mad this would make Leroy and Kelli. To make things worse, Leroy wasn't even in town that night. Words can't describe the awful feeling I had and still have today. I wish it would just go away.
I could not have asked for a better passenger that night though. He was there for me the entire time making sure I was ok and keeping me calm. I really don't think he realizes how much he did for me that night. For that I am so grateful.
Wednesday came too fast, after hearing the crash over and over I got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep. Wednesday was a weird day for me. I woke up not sore at all and feeling a little bit better. I figured if I kept feeling like that I could get through the day. Not so. My emotions were on a roller coaster. I felt fine, and around lunch I got super angry. Its a good thing I work with kids because after doing something silly one of the girls looked at me and my anger went away. Then as I was putting the youngest one down I was singing hymns to her (she loves this). As I was singing I started really crying for the first time. She noticed, sat up, looked at me with a really sad face and said, "You're crying." I thought she was going to start crying with me. I quickly pulled myself together and finished singing until she was asleep. From there it was pretty smooth sailing. My favorite passenger came and walked with me to get the kindergartner from school and hung out with me for a little bit. After doing some work stuff he came and took me on a great date. :) We went to Kneaders which was delicious! Then we caught some air at Get Air, were we got to meet Jackson Carter from the biggest loser! Let me just say he was my favorite from the very first episode, so getting to meet him was insane for me! He was so nice! However we weren't allowed to get pictures because nobody knows how he looks right now-bummer. After a fire and some yummy s'mores we went back to my place and watching some Jim Gaffigan (sp?)...so funny!
Thursday wasn't so bad, until about 12:15 am. I woke up feeling like I was going to die from exhaustion, but luckily got in about an hour long nap. Nothing really happened until 9:30 that night though. oh! Except that I woke up from a nap to find that my eye was swollen. Why? I have no clue but I am just praying it doesn't get worse. I really don't need that right now. Anyway, we went and played basketball for a couple of hours and half way through our last game the police show up. Are you flippin kidding me!? And who else would it be other than the officer who drove us home from the accident on Tuesday. I was worried he was going to recognize me, but I had my hair up and a bandana on so I don't think he did. He walks in and asks if it is ok that we are in that building and then asks us if we knew it was past midnight. I don't think any of us actually realized how late it was. So he then proceeded to tell us how he was told that know one was to be allowed to be in the building after 10 pm. He then asked how many of us were over 18. I was thinking he wanted to get us for curfew, but then he said "I'm just looking to see how many people I am going to throw in jail tonight. I will hook and book all of you." Yeah he wasn't super nice. He threatened us a few more times and we told them we would leave and were on our way. So it wasn't too bad of a day until then.
On the plus side, I got another date with Mr. Perfect! (Don't tell him I called him that!) I am so excited!! :) Its finally Friday now, so I am hoping I can have a good day and then I get to see my family on Saturday! I am so excited!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Hehe!
So Yesterday at church I was feeling brave. After moving here I have been really trying to be outgoing and talk to more people. And they aren't going to just come up to me and start the conversations. So I volunteered to participate in our FHE tonight. They didn't tell me for what until after they had gotten my name haha. I am now a contestant for a dual ward dating game along with another really cute girl. If nothing else I really just want to make friends from this experience. I need more of a social life and I think the singles ward is the only place I am going to find it for now.
Tonight I will be interviewing three guys-I think-and based on their answers I will chose which one I want to go on a date with. After I chose we will get a gift certificate somewhere so that should be fun if it works out. I am just hoping I don't get stuck with some weirdo. The thing that will make this most interesting though is that I won't be able to chose which questions I ask. The audience will be the ones who come up with the questions and then I will read them off. That is actually good though because we all know that I am not creative enough to come up with funny/interesting/good questions.
Tonight isn't the only good thing that is happening this week though! I am so stoked for these next few days that I couldn't sleep last night. Tuesday will be my only day where I have nothing going on except for the dire need to hit up the gym. Wednesday I get to go to the Jazz game and watch my sister perform in the halftime show! Thursday I will be headed up to Idaho again, for a few hours, and then bright and early Friday morning we head off to California to let my brother say goodbye to our extended family before he is off on his mission.
Well, here goes to a night of fun and making new friends, and an eventful week! Wish me luck and safety! :)
Tonight I will be interviewing three guys-I think-and based on their answers I will chose which one I want to go on a date with. After I chose we will get a gift certificate somewhere so that should be fun if it works out. I am just hoping I don't get stuck with some weirdo. The thing that will make this most interesting though is that I won't be able to chose which questions I ask. The audience will be the ones who come up with the questions and then I will read them off. That is actually good though because we all know that I am not creative enough to come up with funny/interesting/good questions.
Tonight isn't the only good thing that is happening this week though! I am so stoked for these next few days that I couldn't sleep last night. Tuesday will be my only day where I have nothing going on except for the dire need to hit up the gym. Wednesday I get to go to the Jazz game and watch my sister perform in the halftime show! Thursday I will be headed up to Idaho again, for a few hours, and then bright and early Friday morning we head off to California to let my brother say goodbye to our extended family before he is off on his mission.
Well, here goes to a night of fun and making new friends, and an eventful week! Wish me luck and safety! :)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
V-Day
Well the dreaded day is here. Happy Valentines day! I am actually excited for today. I have three super cute dates! I decided that since I was single that I would do something for my girls to make it fun for them, which would make it fun for me too. So I heart attacked the kitchen with pink/purple/white hearts and for an after school snack we are having a soda floats (pink sprite and ice cream. There were supposed to be licorice straws but none of my girls liked that so we omitted that part) and valentines sugar cookies. And for dinner its more sweets (I don't think nanna is thrilled about that hehe). I am making pink pancakes and bacon roses with pink milk. I decorated while they were at school so I am excited to see how they react. I know they will love the food part but I am hoping that the decorations will be fun for them too. I also painted cute pink hearts on the two younger girls faces which they loved! (Pictures to come after everything is done.)
Other than that I will be sitting here eating the chocolate rose that I bought myself and hoping that next year won't be so single....
Other than that I will be sitting here eating the chocolate rose that I bought myself and hoping that next year won't be so single....
After school snack
hearts for V-Day
Her friend brought her fairies! So cute!
Yum!
Waiting patiently for dinner
Heart Pancakes
Roses and Hearts who knew they could be so yummy?
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Talk!?
Not even an hour after I was welcomed into the ward the 2nd counselor in the bishopric came up and asked if I would give a talk. What!? That's fine though. To be honest I am kind of excited. I haven't given a talk in years. I think I was in YWs last time I gave one....back then my talk only had to be two or three minutes. Now it has to be ten. Although I taught a Sunday School lesson this last semester and put together an hour long lesson, so I should be able to do ten minutes. I wish however that I could just have someone else write the talk for me. I feel so inadequate and like I can't teach anything to all of these older people. I am afraid that I might teach false doctrine....and now there is a fresh convert in the ward and that adds to the pressure to make sure what I say is true. I am kind of wanting to just put a lot of scripture and quotes in my talk but I have a hard time expanding on them, so its almost pointless. I guess I will just have to pray as I prepare and hope that the spirit will guide me to say what I need to say....guess I better go finish it while the kids are asleep and at school. Wish me luck!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Friends?
I have been meaning to change the name of my blog lately since I was getting tired of the other one...not to mention there was another blog that had the same name so it was hard to get to mine with the URLs being so similar. I have also been trying to get my old nickname back and it has definitely caught on in my new home. There are two of us Madison's here and it was already confusing on the first day. We started out as one of us was Madison and the other was Madi and that was still too confusing. So I decided to see if I could get my freshman basketball nickname of Skeeter going again. Yes that is a water bug. When I was out on the court one of my teammate's dads decided that I looked like a skeeter bug because I was quick on the court and had long legs. So as I would play I would occasionally here "Go Skeeter!" I liked having a different nickname that was not derived from my real name or something that I had come up with. So now I am resurrecting it and hoping it will catch on. Its weird getting used to being called something else though. It caught on a lot faster than I thought it would so I have still been trying to get used to it.
I also think this name works better because this blog is basically my journal these days and really has very little to do with what is happening in college. Not to mention I don't think I am going to post any more english stuff.
It is so late right now but I can't get myself to go to bed. I don't have church until 2 pm tomorrow so I have don't have to wake up to an alarm. So I got on here and have been messing around with things and thought might as well put something down tonight.
Today was one of those days, where the smallest things can kind of erk (sp?) you. By the end of the day I really needed to get out of the house and around people who are closer to my age. I decided to head to the gym. It was only 7 so I figured there would still be plenty of people there. Psych! It was flippin closed! What gym closes that early!? So that was a total let down. Working out and running is my favorite way to relieve my pent up stress. I considered going for a run outside, but it was dark and slushy outside so I decided against it and regretted it an hour or so later. I can't wait until its dry outside so I can go pound it out on the pavement. Remind me next time to go to the gym earlier!
Tell me, how do you make new friends? I have no clue how to do this and I am DYING here not having anyone to call up and go hang out with. I need a social life and I am not finding it. Say you are in a room with loads of people but you don't know a single one of them. How do you go about making new friends? I feel like just going up and saying "hi" would be so awkward and would not allow for a decent conversation. Not to mention there really isn't anywhere to go with that. At least not like finding something in common and going off of that. But how can you do that if you don't know anyone or if you even have anything in common with them, other than the fact that you are in the same room together? These are just a couple of the thoughts that are on my mind. Think it over and let me know. I need to learn how to make friends again....Over and Out.
I also think this name works better because this blog is basically my journal these days and really has very little to do with what is happening in college. Not to mention I don't think I am going to post any more english stuff.
It is so late right now but I can't get myself to go to bed. I don't have church until 2 pm tomorrow so I have don't have to wake up to an alarm. So I got on here and have been messing around with things and thought might as well put something down tonight.
Today was one of those days, where the smallest things can kind of erk (sp?) you. By the end of the day I really needed to get out of the house and around people who are closer to my age. I decided to head to the gym. It was only 7 so I figured there would still be plenty of people there. Psych! It was flippin closed! What gym closes that early!? So that was a total let down. Working out and running is my favorite way to relieve my pent up stress. I considered going for a run outside, but it was dark and slushy outside so I decided against it and regretted it an hour or so later. I can't wait until its dry outside so I can go pound it out on the pavement. Remind me next time to go to the gym earlier!
Tell me, how do you make new friends? I have no clue how to do this and I am DYING here not having anyone to call up and go hang out with. I need a social life and I am not finding it. Say you are in a room with loads of people but you don't know a single one of them. How do you go about making new friends? I feel like just going up and saying "hi" would be so awkward and would not allow for a decent conversation. Not to mention there really isn't anywhere to go with that. At least not like finding something in common and going off of that. But how can you do that if you don't know anyone or if you even have anything in common with them, other than the fact that you are in the same room together? These are just a couple of the thoughts that are on my mind. Think it over and let me know. I need to learn how to make friends again....Over and Out.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
They Call Me Skeeter
I slept last night! I was in bed by ten and asleep before 10:30. That is a record for me as of late. The past few weeks I have had the most difficult time sleeping. I feel like the second my heard hits the pillow my brain tells my heart to start racing and it decides that it needs to think about everything I have been stressing about, things I am anxious for, and anything that needs to get done the next day. And the worst part it decides to ponder on the people that I hurt lately. I hate seeing people hurt, or just knowing that they are hurting....it ends up hurting me too.
I always say that I can't be mean to people. I guess that is a lie, because when I need to end something I end up being really mean (well at least I think I am) and then I completely regret it after. The thing is its ended and it needed to be ended so I can't just go up to the person, call them, or even text them to let know that I feel horrible. That would start things right up again and eventually put me in the same place I was when I tried to end it. So I end up laying in bed wondering if they are ok, and wanting to do something to help them feel better. Then I start to question what would happen if I ran into them or if I were to try talking to them. I try not to ponder that thought too long, because that just makes it more painful. So as I am laying in bed I am going through all of these emotions of sadness, gratitude, sadness, independence,....what's the word I am looking for? I have this sense of what I did was best for me and the other person and that it was the right move on my part, and then lastly did I mention sadness? Well put that on the list.
I never remember the part where my brain finally decides to shut down and let me sleep, but it is usually around 2 or 3. So getting sleep last night is a huge! I am so excited that it happened. I crawled into bed and literally started counting sheep the second my head it the pillow. I laughed to myself at the thought that I could fall asleep before I hit 1,000 however I fell asleep around 900 is my guess. I stopped at 700 and focused on my breathing and before I knew it, I was asleep! As I was counting I realized that I could think of other things, but it wouldn't allowing me to really focus on what I was thinking about so I was able to block out the negative experiences I have been having and I was able to sleep. I really hope that I can keep doing that and eventually get back into my routine of falling asleep a minute after I am in bed. Guess we will see how it goes tonight.
And to those I have hurt, I seriously doubt you are reading this, however I really am sorry and I feel so bad for what happened. Hopefully in the future things can get straightened out.
Until then, buenos noches.
I always say that I can't be mean to people. I guess that is a lie, because when I need to end something I end up being really mean (well at least I think I am) and then I completely regret it after. The thing is its ended and it needed to be ended so I can't just go up to the person, call them, or even text them to let know that I feel horrible. That would start things right up again and eventually put me in the same place I was when I tried to end it. So I end up laying in bed wondering if they are ok, and wanting to do something to help them feel better. Then I start to question what would happen if I ran into them or if I were to try talking to them. I try not to ponder that thought too long, because that just makes it more painful. So as I am laying in bed I am going through all of these emotions of sadness, gratitude, sadness, independence,....what's the word I am looking for? I have this sense of what I did was best for me and the other person and that it was the right move on my part, and then lastly did I mention sadness? Well put that on the list.
I never remember the part where my brain finally decides to shut down and let me sleep, but it is usually around 2 or 3. So getting sleep last night is a huge! I am so excited that it happened. I crawled into bed and literally started counting sheep the second my head it the pillow. I laughed to myself at the thought that I could fall asleep before I hit 1,000 however I fell asleep around 900 is my guess. I stopped at 700 and focused on my breathing and before I knew it, I was asleep! As I was counting I realized that I could think of other things, but it wouldn't allowing me to really focus on what I was thinking about so I was able to block out the negative experiences I have been having and I was able to sleep. I really hope that I can keep doing that and eventually get back into my routine of falling asleep a minute after I am in bed. Guess we will see how it goes tonight.
And to those I have hurt, I seriously doubt you are reading this, however I really am sorry and I feel so bad for what happened. Hopefully in the future things can get straightened out.
Until then, buenos noches.
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