Astronaut

     Exactly 60 days from today I will be entering the MTC. That is so weird to me! I still can't believe I decided to serve a mission. Ha well I guess I didn't really decide to. Heavenly Father told me to so I am obeying after eight months of disobeying. Yikes. I wonder how things would have worked had I decided to start on my papers in October. Its all in the Lord's time so would things have taken awhile? It has been insane to look back on the last year and see how things have lead me to this point in my life. All of these little things that have happened have such a huge impact on it. Story time!
        I remember praying around January if I should take a job offer in Idaho or my current job as a nanny. I have ALWAYS hated fast food and I refused to work there, but I really needed a job so I applied at Chik-Fil-A. A couple days after I applied my now "boss" (they are more friends than bosses), called and asked if I wanted to work for them while I wasn't in school. Immediately I jumped on that opportunity. The only down fall was that it was in Utah and the last time I had been there I hadn't enjoyed it. Things weren't set in stone yet so I still went through the hiring process at CFA. Everything went really well and I was almost  100% positive I had the job there. At that point I had also been having interviews with a cell phone accessory company. That would have had me driving from Rexburg to Idaho Falls on a regular basis. I didn't have the money to be driving back and for like that when I needed to be saving up for school. At this point I decided that I needed to just pray about things. I didn't really want the CFA job but I would definitely take it if it meant I was employed and earning money. Then there was the cell phone place which actually would have been fun because I would have been working with a friend and other college kids. BUT I wanted the nanny job because lets face it, I love working with kids and that totally beats out fast food and cell phones!
      All of these jobs were up in the air and I was just waiting to hear back from each. I told Heavenly Father that I had no clue which one I wanted because of the different situations and I asked him to have the best one for me offer the job first. I had little faith that it would actually happen that way because I had heard you don't make deals with God. Either way, my current bosses called me one night (and by night I mean like 10 pm) and told me that if I wanted to I could come down and work for them. Obviously I accepted. The next morning CFA called and offered me the job there. I am so glad I was able to tell them I had another job now.
      Had I not moved down here to Utah I for sure would not be going on my mission, I would not have learned the lessons I needed to. I thought I would come down here, work for 3 months, have nothing happen, and then go back up to school the same person I was. I don't think I could have been more wrong!
     Instead I have been here for seven months, getting in car accidents, learning how to love, wakeboarding, and most importantly learning how to listen to the spirit. I took the spring sememster off, and now I am taking the next three or four off to go on my mission. So much has changed. I decided that I am not going to make any specific plans for my life anymore. Any time I do they end up completely different than what I expected.
     Life: just take it as it comes.
     As I was sitting here typing I just realized that I will be entering the MTC just a few days shy of the year mark of the age change. Sweet! It's already been a year! Can you believe that!? I am super jealous of the girls who report the 16th of October. They are the exact year mark. Anyway these are all random thoughts that are just coming to my mind.
      I keep wanting to talk about how I am feeling but every time I do something stops me. Not sure what it is but it is probably a good thing that it does.
      So it is the tenth of August. I should have been getting married today. Its strange to think about. I never thought I could have been able to get that close to someone. I always thought about situations that I would have as a married person and I would think "there is no way I could ever be that comfortable with someone." This time I was totally ready to marry him. Just weird. I wonder if he even knows or remembers that today was the day. Will he even realize what the date is? Oh well if he doesn't. That wouldn't surprise me at all...
       On a different note: I don't know what it is but lately (and by that I mean this week), I have really just been tired of taking care of everyone. I mean I love it and that is pretty much what I live for but I wish someone would just spontaneously do something for me instead of the other way around. I feel like I do a ton for people. Today it just kind of hit me though that I want to be driven around, and I want someone to cook for me, or clean up for me. I am tired of doing it all on my own.
      Someone commented and said "You're only what 19 and you are already tired of it?" I was thinking that too then I thought...Wrong! I am 20. Seriously though, I realized that I clean up after three young kids who eat, spill, play, and get sick. I have to be getting them ready for the day, keeping them entertained, feeding them, and making sure they aren't getting into trouble.
      I am also preparing for my mission so I am setting up Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, getting prescriptions, and boring grown up stuff, while trying to do everything with the kids and work around their schedules.
     Then I have my amazing friends who have been there for me and now need my support. So of course I am there for them and hoping that I am helping them feel better or just making sure things are good for them. Another one of my friends said that his biggest fear is not being able to help his friends. I share that same fear. It is terrible sitting and watching while people hurt or just need help doing something and you can't do anything to make it easier. Even then half of the time they aren't really asking me for anything but I am offering to do things for them to make their lives easier. Sometimes I really feel like I am more of a mother figure to people than I am a friend. My sister always made fun of me in high school and said the same thing. I was always the "mother" in our friendships. I guess that is just how I show people I love them. Is there a 6th Love Language that is "Caring for and being cared for"? That would probably go under service huh?
Hmm....this almost sounds like I am bragging about how good of a friend I am. I promise that is not the point of this at all and there are times when I am a terrible friend....but we don't need to get into that.
      Anyway, that is what is on my mind at 2:30 in the morning :)

Can anybody hear me?
Or am I talking to myself?
My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?

I'm deafened by the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?

Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?

So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down? [x3]

Um, this song is spot on! The past few days I have wanted to post the lyrics to the songs that I am feeling and this one was so right that I finally posted it. Its called Astronaut. Hence the name of this post. I am obsessed with it right now.

Ten

It would have been 10 days from now. Why did I think about that? The day of August 10th is going to be a painful one....I guess I have nothing else to say. I just wanted to say that.

West Coast Bound!

       So I haven't written about it yet, but I finally got my call! Its weird to think that I have my call and am just waiting to leave now! It is so surreal!  I got my call on Friday the 12th of July morning but I had to wait until that Sunday to open it. My parents were out of town and I wanted them to be there for it! So I had everyone come over to the house I work at and there we sat and waited for literally an hour for my parents to get there. They really almost missed it! Everyone was getting antsy and needed to get out of there and be places. However I was blessed to have them all there still in the end. So I had about 30 people there in person and I had my whole family on skype. It was an awesome experience.
       I definitely expected more tears but I am grateful that I didn't have more tears. That would have been embarrassing to have make up running down my face as I read this letter. So here is the moment we have all been waiting for....I am going to the California Ventura Mission and I will be speaking English. I report the the Provo MTC in October. I couldn't be more excited!  I am still laughing at it though. I grew up in northern California so I figured that was the last place I would go. I also lived in Utah and Idaho so I figured this would be my one chance to get away from the west coast and see something different. Nope. Not quite. I am as West Coast as you can get! I am definitely not complaining though. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to serve my Heavenly Father. And if he says that is where I will work the best then I am so excited to see what he has in store for me! Everyone says that when you get out there you realize why you are out there through experiences you have. I can't wait to see why that is where I was needed! I haven't ever been to Ventura though and I have heard it is beautiful. So I am stoked to get out there and start preaching! This is going to be an incredible experience!

Watching the Mail Man

     "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow! You're only a day away!" I get to open my call tomorrow!
      So as it turns out my call didn't come on Thursday. That was a total bummer. However, yesterday I was falling asleep on the recliner and my friend texted me at 9:45 saying "Its here!!!" I can't tell you how quickly I woke up from that. I couldn't have calmed down even if I had swallowed a whole bottle of melatonin pills. I was SO excited to check my mail! But mine wasn't supposed to show up until closer to 11.
      From the living room I couldn't see the mailbox so I brought the girls into their room to play with their toys and so I could watch out the window for when the mail lady came. Finally around 10:30 she showed up. I anxiously sat and waited for her to leave. She wasn't even at the end of my street before I came bounding out the door toward the mailbox. I am sure it was entertaining for anyone who was watching. I peeked in the mailbox praying I wouldn't be let down. Low and behold it was in there!!! I really could not control myself at that point. I sprinted back into the house saying "It's here! It's Here! It's here!!!!"
      I immediately called my parents. They had been here Thursday in hopes that it would come. When it didn't they left straight for California. Figures it would come right after they leave. I am not complaining though, opening it on Sunday is sooner than having to wait until next Wednesday or Thursday.
      I am so weird, now that it is here, it isn't as hard as I thought it would be to not rip it open. I really want all of my friends and family to experience it with me so it is easy to think of that and not touch the curious white packet. I had to hide it though because looking at it makes me too excited (the phrase "out of sight out of mind" does not apply in this situation in the slightest). Anyway, I planned on opening my call on Thursday, but it turned out that hardly any of my friends or family could even make it to watch me open it. I was worried it would just be me and my parents opening it. As fun as that sounds I want lots of people to be there! I don't know why but I do. So when it wasn't coming I was almost glad because if I was able to reschedule then more people could come! But I was getting anxious as well because it makes it really hard to plan something when you are waiting on the mail. When it didn't come on Thursday I wasn't worried about telling people it didn't come but I was worried about not being able to plan when I was going to open it. I wanted to give people enough notice so they could keep their schedules open.
        When it finally came I was more relieved that now I could plan something decent. So Sunday I am opening it. I just have to get through today and church tomorrow. Easy enough right? So close, yet so far! I need something to do tonight so I don't think about it and so time can go faster!

Last One in Line

     Holy Cow! It is Thursday! Do you know what that means? I Sure do! All I can think of is the mail. I feel like that dog on UP....instead of saying "Squirrel" I am saying "MAIL!" I am DYING!!!!!!!!! In case you couldn't guess, hopefully today will be the day that my mission call comes! I might cry if it doesn't. I REALLY don't want to wait until next week. Dang it...I just realized something. I need to learn patience. That means it is going to come next week....haha There are two other girls in the ward who might be getting theirs as well. There are a lot of us who are going which has been really neat. I thought I would be doing this alone which would have been fine, but it has been fun experiencing the excitement with other girls.
     I got a text from one of them asking if I felt like I was in line for a ride at Lagoon (A local amusement park for those of you who don't know). I replied by telling her that I felt like I was the last one in line for my all time favorite ride and that it might close before I got to go on it. That is the type of anxious I feel. I want things to speed up so I can get on that ride and at the same time I have the pre-ride nerves. The ones you get because you have forgotten the adrenaline rush so its scary thinking about the huge drops. Lets put that is mission call terms. I want the day to speed up so I can find out where the heck I am going and when I am leaving! But I am also nervous to find out where I am going, and what kinds of struggles I will have. Will I be learning a language!? Is it going to be third world and a place where I won't have electricity? Am I going to be eating chicken feet and guinea pig? Or am I going to be eating loads of uncooked fish with wasabi? SO many different places! There are 405 missions and I am going to one of them. Too many options and ways things could turn out.
     I would absolutely LOVE to go to Ireland or Scotland! The work would be hard but wow, it would be a dream come true to go there!! I would also thoroughly enjoy going to any church history site. Can you imagine how much power those lessons would have? I am going to be happy no matter where I go. I know the Lord is going to put me where I will be able to do His work to my best ability and he will help me with any shortcomings. But I have been joking with people saying, "As long as I have to get on a plane to get where I am going I will be perfectly content." The further the more crazy the adventure!
     Well anyway, those are my thoughts and feelings as I await my call. And I can't lie, if I see it in the mail I might actually scream. And I don't mean squeal. I mean full on, top of my lungs scream! And boy will it feel good!

Light Bulb!

       I figured it out! Why all of this...stuff has been bothering me! So background information. My biggest fear in life is being forgotten, pathetic I know. I don't know why it is, but the thought of a friend forgetting me kills me. And now that I think about it it seems weird, but its the truth. My thought is that it just might mean that they didn't care for me the way I did them. And if you know me at all I give 100% of myself to my friends and family. They are the most important things to me. So when someone I love (friendship wise) can just walk away and not think about me again, that hurts. Is this starting to make sense at all? He is forgetting me when I am right there! And I just sit there watching while he forgets. Makes sense now. Just had to say that.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Feelings, Feelings, Feelings.

      It's midnight right now. I should be asleep. Today is just one of those days. I am so sick of thinking about him. Is it possible that I could just think about something else for five minutes!? Who cares what the heck he is thinking, or doing, or saying!? Who cares if you had a fun memory with him!? That is LONG gone and unimportant! He is nothing to you now, "just somebody that you used to know." I am sick of feeling like I have to constantly prove to him and more importantly to myself that I really am a catch. I am someone. For some dumb reason lately I have really been doubting that. Why? Because that confidence that you always see in me isn't real. I have been faking it until I make it from day one. Day one of what? I don't know, just day one. I think 100% of the time faking it until I have made it has totally worked. I pretend like everything is great and eventually it is! But for confidence it has just never done it.        
       One day I was with a friend and she told me that there is a difference in self-confidence, self-image, and self-worth. Self-image is how you see yourself, self-confidence is what others see, and self-worth is what the Lord sees. I guess with that I have a lot of self-confidence with that definition, but my self-image is not exactly where it should be. Never has been. I think too much, and that TOTALLY gets to me. Wouldn't it just be great to be able to shut off the brain every once in a while?
      I am so SICK of it all!  I want my care-free, silly, friendship back. I am tired of him ignoring me and pretending like I just don't exist now. I am tired of watching him flirt with all my friends while I just have to stand there and take it.  If you are going to do that, at least acknowledge the fact that I am standing right there! I am tired of him inviting my friends places while I sit at home doing nothing. Or him inviting me just because he invited my friends and feels obligated to because I over heard it. I don't understand what is so hard about just being friends! Why can't he do that? He is the one who ended it!  I guess I am confused. When he left he said he wanted to be best friends still. I can do that. But don't best friends at least talk every once in a while? I thought best friend hung out and invited each other places. Guess not.
        So today I did the millenium, which is a mile on a track but instead of running the straights you go up and down the stadium stairs. Then I went from there to go play basketball for a few hours. But right now I am at the point where I REALLY just want to go on my four mile run. If it weren't dark I would be gone by now. But it IS dark, so unless I find someone to go with I am stuck at home. I am racking my brain to think of someone or some way that I can get out and run. I am dying inside. I NEED to get out and run! I have a feeling that even though my legs are jello and I am actually tired, if I went out it would be a dang good run. I could probably go forever, just me and my thoughts.
       This is so stupid. I guess I am that girl I was making fun of. Figures. "What isn't a part of us doesn't disturb us." I always think that I am totally over it, and I like to believe that I am. I don't have feelings for him anymore, but there are moments where I miss something. Whether it is him or the companionship I am not 100% sure. I like to think it is the companionship. I hate being alone; I have always been like that, but since I have gone from having someone who was always with me to having nothing, it has intensified. I can't even cry about it. I really don't want to either. Even IF I wanted to, my body just won't let me. I have tried. So it gets bottled up with the rest of everything. One day I will explode but until then, "I am wearing a smile that I don't believe in. Inside I feel like screaming!"