Transitions to Marriage

This is where things get difficult for me. I feel kind of silly talking about this stuff just because I have never gone through it before. With dating and things like that, it is easy because I am going through that right now and I can completely relate to it. I am afraid the married people out there scoff at what I have to say because I know only what I have learned in class and not experienced it myself. So here is my attempt. Don't judge.
        After couples have finally tied the knot, there are a few things that they have to adjust to in marriage. One being that there is another person that they are living with and watching out for. They need to learn how to merge their two lives together and make it one.
       There are so many different aspects that need to be discussed to make the marriage one. Like how you want to raise your children, or how to discipline them. If there are two different ways that are enforced the child will be confused and might cling to one parent more than the other.
        Even before that the couple needs to decide if or when they will even have children. Hopefully this will be one of the topics brought up in dating, but now that the couple is married it is much more serious and the next big step in their lives.
         One very important thing they need to keep doing is dating. I think this is huge. Many couples think that just because they are married now they don't need to go on dates. False! Dates are what keep you together. It gives you time to not stress about life and just enjoy one another. It also gives you a good environment to sit and talk. I am going to make sure that my future husband continues to take me out after we are married.

Preparing for Marriage

So this post will be a lot of just notes and thoughts from class. I really found this class informative and super interesting.

        So one of the things we discussed was the different types of love. There is:
 Agape, which is the general love an concern you have for other.
Philios (sp?), which is a brotherly love to someone you have a connection to.
Eros, which is the romantic and passionate kind of love.
Storge, which is a parent/child love.

 I think a lot of times people when they are dating they confuse eros for complete love. I really don't consider that love. I think it is an aspect of love but I think that in a relationship there is more to it. Maybe there is some agape love with it.
     One thing I really caught my attention was the term misattribution of arousal. Holy cow! That is so cool! Well I don't know if cool is really the term I am looking for, but it makes so much sense!
    This past year I was writing a missionary. I had never met him (long story about how that started) but we were writing and because he was on his mission of course he was always on this spiritual high. As I was writing him I began to trust him and start to like him. I think part of this was because he and I would share stories about our spiritual experiences we have had and we would discuss them. Then when he came home, he was not on this spiritual high anymore and I realized that I had liked him and trusted him because of the spirituality from the letters. Now we are just friends and I have realized I was misattributing these feelings of the spirit to liking him.

One last thing that I liked is really short but so powerful.
 Companionate love: committed to another person. (this is the type of love I want, not just compassionate.)

Social Class

      In class we discussed how social class can affect how things work in the family and how families grow. I think that social class can either completely tear a family apart or bring them together and make them very strong.

    As far as I have seen, I think that when you are high in the social class, you become greedy and a lot of what you do is based on getting more for yourself. Now this isn't the case for everyone. There are plenty of good wealthy people out there who love to give what they have. But things can't buy you happiness and some people think they do. This causes them to never be happy and always wanting the next big thing and the best cars or boats or other toys.

     On the flip side, I have seen many humble families who are not wealthy who all they have is each other and they are completely happy. They have learned to rely on each other and to trust each other. It makes it easier for us to appreciate what we have when we don't have much at all. We realize that we are blessed to be with our families and that is enough for us.

Corsage: My Family System

(this picture doesn't do it justice)           

           My family is like a beautiful corsage. Each piece is necessary to make things work and each piece is very close to the next. The different pieces are all intertwined together in some way supporting each other. Not one piece is less valuable than the other.

            My dad is the thickest part of the corsage: the stems. He is the support of the family and the part of the corsage that keeps things straight and standing tall. He is always making sure that we are doing what we are supposed to and He is the breadwinner of the family supporting our lifestyle.

            My mom is the floral tape that holds everyone together. When we are arguing she is the mediator who comes in and ends things and makes sure we fix things. The tape also gives the corsage a finished look. My mom makes sure that we present ourselves well and if people are coming over that we have a clean home with the spirit for our guests and family to be in.

            I am the blue ribbon on this corsage. I am one of the bigger pieces that people see first. I am the oldest and the one that people look to be a good example to my siblings and to help my parents keep things in order.

            Mikayla is my twin; she is the biggest flower on the corsage. She and I compliment each other with our different colors and our contrasting features. People also look to her to be a little calmer than me. She brings a different type of beauty to the family. She is more elegant and people see her as the peacemaker.

            Jeffrey is the bigger leaves that quietly accent the bright colors of the other flowers. People don’t notice him until they look closer. He usually quietly soaks in what is going on around him and when necessary puts in his input.

            Taylor is other the tiny green accent plants. Sometimes she is forgotten because she is the middle child, however when she is missing things just aren’t right. She is the one who gets along the best with every child and compliments each piece perfectly.

            Olivia is the stem on the tiny orange flowers. She supports our youngest sister Emma who is represented by the orange flowers themselves. She plays with and is closest to Emma. She is teaching her how to grow up in this world and how to bloom where she is planted.            

            Emma is the bright bubbly child who has constant energy and wants to do everything. Everyone loves her bright personality as she sets a great example for her peers. Because she is the youngest, she gets a lot of the attention a home from the parents. These orange flowers are one of the more noticeable parts of the corsage because of the color and the placement of them.

            The orange flowers and the blue ribbon depending on their shades can at times clash with each other. This brings the least desirable effects on the family. When the ribbon and small flowers clash, it causes trouble in the whole family. Some agree with the flowers and others agree with the ribbon. Emma and I get along for the most part but at times we can disagree to say the least. She is very much a little me. She wants to be bright and noticed yet sometimes overlooked because she is the youngest.  Noticing this is going to help me try to get along better with her to keep the colors complimenting each other instead of clashing. If her shades change, I will change mine to compliment hers.

 Other than that the pieces work together very well and all compliment our different colors and personalities. We bring out the best in each other and try to add to what others lack, like the leaves and greens add a calming color to the brighter ones to bring things down to a more pleasing look.

            The tape and the stems also work very well together. My parents are constantly relying on each other to make the home a happier place. Without the tape none of the stems would stay together and without the stems, the tape would have nothing to hold together or the flowers would be falling out everywhere and not getting everything they can out of life by having both parents around.

            The ribbon and the biggest flower: Mikayla and me would not work as well without each other. The flower could work on her own, but the ribbon would be nothing without the flowers. Alone each is pretty but they work together to beautify each other and make each other stronger.

            This example has a couple of little aspects that don’t necessarily fit. Taylor who is the small accent plants is more noticed than these plants. There are times when she will say something and nobody will hear her and then someone else will repeat what she said and everyone will pay attention to that child, but she is the favorite sister of everyone. She gets along with each one and is willing to help everyone out.

            The other one that doesn’t quite fit are the leaves that represent Jeffrey. He is more noticed in our family and outside as well. He is the only boy so when people ask about our family they ask about how he is doing and if he is preparing for a mission or if he likes being the only boy.

            I hope to keep things pretty much the same. I want to always make sure I am adding to everyone and not taking away from the rest of the beauty of the corsage. Our different little pieces work very well with each other.

    This week in class I realized how much effort and work one has to put into a relationship to make it work. Before and after. There are so many vital question that need to be asked before agreeing to court or marry someone. Then once the relationship starts it isn't always love notes and roses. There are going to be rough times and the couple will need to learn how to solve these problems together.
 Once a kid arrives it makes it even harder. There are so many little things that I didn't even think of to do/talk about that could be damaging the father/child relationship if not taken care of. Along with that the father/mother relationship needs to be kept strong while they are learning to balance their new lives with this new addition.

Is There Hope?

     Ok, I don't think this post will be as lengthy as the rest have been. And a little disclaimer here: I think that this is a touchy subject and to any of my readers I do not mean to offend anyone these are just my beliefs.
     In a couple of months I feel like there have been a lot of my friends and acquaintances who have "come out." There were two people specifically who I know and for some reason it was really saddening to see it happen. I am not totally sure why though, because I was never that close to either of them, however I knew one for years and the other was one of the nicest and most talented person I know.
     This week in two of my classes; Family Relations and my Family foundations class we have been talking about Gays/ Lesbians and how that correlates to our religion and how if affects our families and society. In different studies it has shown that children who are raised by gay/lesbian parents do not do as well as children who are raised by a mother and father....
     Ok so I have been looking for the statics that we read in class for about an hour now and I can't find them so I will have to get those asap.
     One thing I do remember was in class there was one thing that really stood out to me this week. I believe it was on Friday we discussed models and if/how they mattered. At first I didn't really think they mattered all that much, but as we got discussing things it hit me that it completely matters! There are two models in particular that make a huge difference in the way you think about things. The first is "born this way" it is the the belief that there is no chance for change. The person who was born gay or lesbian has no chance of changing their feelings and they are stuck that way forever. On the other hand there is the theory that the "exotic becomes erotic." I am not really sure how to explain the meaning of that, but in it there is a hope for change. That a person can overcome those feelings. After hearing that I realized that it does matter which view you take. In the fact that it gives a different perspective. One can give hope while the other is a pessimistic view.
I know that God would not give someone a problem that they can overcome. So why would this be any different?
  

Dallin H. Oaks

     When reflecting on my reading this week one talk I listened to keeps coming to mind. The one by Dallin H. Oaks has really stuck with me. As I listened to the talk I took these notes:
      He spoke of two "towers" in the church that we should remember. One is truth. We believe in the absolute truth. That includes the existence of God, and the right and wrong established by his commandments.. Truth will endure the worst days. It will last through the eternities and it will remain unchanged. As a church we accept truth no matter where it comes from. We believe that men in history like Budda and Ghandi were inspired by the spirit. They spoke truth, however they did not have the full truth. In D&C it talks about how we also believe truth to be a knowledge of things as they are, as they were, and are to come. Elder Oaks goes on to say that "The existence of God and truth are fundamental to life on this earth, believe it or not. It is my duty to affirm God exists and the truths his commandments establish."
      I know there is a God. I know for a fact that he lives and is an eternal being. He has given us commandments to make us happy. I also found this fantastic article on facebook that just proves that God's commandments do not restrict us, but make us more free.
     The article is called "Waiting till the wedding night-getting married the right way." It is written by a man who writes a column for fox news. He and his wife are christians and this is what he has to say...

           

           As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess, my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood. (I’d also prayed to be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop sticky hands, but… I was an idiot.)

Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.

We did it right.

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.

-

Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple. 

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said. 

Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong.  Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to), but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth. I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.”  They’re wrong. I win.

I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.

As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.

Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”

“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”

“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”

My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck's “good time” was simply getting snookered. Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.

Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.

The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party.  And the morning after? Just another hangover.

Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.

Do yours the right way.  If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way.  If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?”  You’re darn right I did.

        I love the part where he says "feeling judged?" He is right to say this. People think we are the ones judging them because they chose not to stay celibate. However they look down on us as well. They laugh and point fingers at those who chose to not have sex before marriage. Elder Oaks also said "Tolerance is often demanded, but seldom returned."

      This leads me to the next tower that he spoke about. Tolerance. It is a friendly or fair attitude toward unfamiliar opinions and practices or the people who practice them. As members we need to be tolerant of the people who we associate with. However, Dallin H. Oaks says we should respect the people and their right to tell us what they believe. BUT we are not required to respect and tolerate wrong behavior. 

      This past few months I have had personal experience with these two towers. I have had a few friends who have come out of the closet. For me this has been really strange. I loved these boys but I had no idea how to react. From this talk I have learned that I can still love these boys and kindly tell them that I do not support what they do, but I am still here as their friend. "Kindness in the communication, but firmness in the truth." This talk was really profound to me.

About Me

      I am majoring in Marriage and Family studies here at BYU-I and I love it! Now I know what you are thinking. "She is just there to get married." False! I love learning about the family and how to have a happy strong family. Not to mention I get some gospel study in the majority of my classes which I absolutely love!
      When I was younger I used to think scripture study and church lessons were so boring. Now, I can't get enough of it! I love learning knew things from the scriptures! I always have a good day when I learn about the gospel. The Book of Mormon classes here at school have been my favorite so far!
      So you are probably wondering who that is in the picture with me. That is my beautiful twin Mikayla. We are fraternal twins, meaning we don't look exactly the same and have just as much the same DNA as any normal siblings :)

  

      I was born and hour before Mikayla, yes that is a long time for twins. Normally there is about a one to two minutes gap between twins. Although I do have a good lead on her, I don't hold it against her. I think it is dumb to hold age (whether by years or minutes) against someone. Age is just a number and has nothing to do with maturity.
      It is funny how different we both are. I am 5'8" where as she is 5'0" maybe 5'1" on a good day. She has honey blonde hair and can get very tan! However I am strawberry blonde and can only get the slightest tan line if I am out of hours and nearly kill myself from sun overload. Mikayla is a pretty reserved person. She is not one to go out on a limb and meet new people or talk very much around people she doesn't know well. I have always been the opposite. I am very open and willing to talk to anyone who crosses paths with me. However if I am going to talk to them, I am not going to be the one to initiate the conversation. I am still shy in some aspects.

     Mikayla used to be a dancer and is far more graceful than I. She definitely has the "style" gene. She can pick out cute clothes from any store. I am completely opposite. I am a basketball player, and have issues making cute outfits. I am way more plain and am ok with a solid shirt and nice jeans. Mikayla is definitely a shopper. She can spend hours in one store looking through everything. I cannot stand being in the same store that long. I look at the racks not really moving anything around and hoping I can find something just by glancing at it. Needless to say, Mikayla finds much more than I do. I usually take her shopping with me so that I am forced to look deeper and so I have someone to tell me whether or not my outfit choice is ok.
       So those are the basics of Mikayla and I. She is my best friend and I can't wait to have her with me again in the spring. I miss having someone to always be with! (That is the problem with being a twin, I am used to always having someone at my side, so I am more comfortable not being alone.)
       As for the rest of my family, I have 4 sisters (including Mikayla) and one brother. Mikayla and I are the oldest and then it is my brother and the rest of the girls. I have two amazing parents who have done a great job raising our family. We are originally from California, but moved to Utah when I was 16. Since then my parents have moved to Idaho. We move a lot as a family. (Remind me not to marry someone who is in sales. It is not stable enough.)

My Family two Christmas' ago

This basically describes us girls perfectly

     Now onto other things. Like I said I love to play basketball! So if you are here at BYUI I would love to play with you! I am also into working out. Actually I hate it, but I do it because I know it is good for me, and I am trying to get some good abs going. ;)
      I love meeting new people and learning new things! I am fascinated with people and their thought processes, and why they do certain things. Because of this lately I have been learning a lot about myself and why I do certain things.
      Recently I have also been into long boarding as well. However I am just starting out so I am pretty terrible as of right now, but I am getting better. Another thing I like is being scared. I love watching scary movies, but it turns out that they aren't that scary to me, but I still love watching them!
       I feel like there was something else I wanted to add into this, but I guess not. I will add it in later to this novel if I remember. :)
    ps. The posts under this are from my English class last semester, in case you were wondering.

    Senior year basketball