Funny thing: I always made fun of the girls who cried over losing their boyfriends. I wanted to tell them to just get over it. Obviously there was something better coming, whether it was soon or in the distant future. Definitely a bazillion times easier said than done though. This time it was others telling me that. I tried to listen, but when you are feeling this way you don't want them to be right.
I can't describe the pain that I was in. I am sure that a lot of you girls, and maybe some of you guys, have suffered through this sort of pain and you guys will understand this a lot better than those who haven't. That used to be me. I thought those people were just weak and dwelt on it too long. I was definitely wrong. Losing someone you love is not easy in the slightest. It's like all of your inerds tighten up and drop to your stomach. It gets hard to breathe; you almost want to puke but you can't. There is a hollowness in your chest that no amount of loving words can fill. I don't know why or how girls turn to chocolate and ice cream at that point. I literally felt sick to my stomach and could in no way, keep down crap food like that or any sort of food for that matter. I am not a depressed eater. I deprived myself of food for over 24 hours and my first drink of water since Monday night at basketball was Wednesday morning. I know a whole 24 hours isn't that long, but I still haven't eaten and if you know me at all you know I love my food. Starving myself wasn't smart, but like I said I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it down. Another thing I still don't understand, even after this, are break up songs. Is it just me or does that really just make the pain 100 times worse? The only music I could listen to was Headstrong by Trapt because it wasn't some sappy song about how much they loved someone or how they regret not buying her flowers.
I am working on 12 hours without crying now. Pathetic right? Out of the 30 (almost 40) some odd hours of being in and out of hysterics that is pretty good! I am still afraid that with suppressing it I will combust at any moment without warning, which I am praying doesn't happen. As some already know and thanks to facebook its plain to see, I lost my mr. perfect. From the beginning I had always had a feeling this would happen. (That reminds me of a movie quote, "I take my feelings very seriously." What movie is that from!? I can't remember!)
It was time Karma came back and bit me in the butt. I had never been broken up with. I am usually pretty good at knowing when something isn't right. So I have been known to cut things off at the very beginning to avoid hurting people more and wasting both of our times. I had a gut feeling though that after hurting too many other guys, the next guy I was really into would end up being the one to end things first. I hate always being right (the trippy thing is I really can tell when things are going to happen way before they happen. I must be a psychic. No but really though there have been a few instances where there is no way to tell something is going to happen but I know it will, and it does).
Anyway let me give you a bit of advice. If you feel its wrong in ANY way shape or form consider praying about it, even if you think it just might be a random thought and not the spirit. As much as I hate to admit it the whole time we were together, I knew in the back of my head it would end. I was head over heels for this guy, so I decided to ignore the feeling. After finally being able to think clearly I was able to realize this. Every time I would see him and think, "dang that is mine!" I had this sad feeling that he really wasn't. It was more of a longing feeling like I was wishing he was mine. This didn't make sense to me at all because he was my boyfriend and things were going perfectly. How did I not have him? It's a weird concept to explain.
When I first started to pray about us I thought I had a good feeling. Then one day I was sitting on the recliner in the living room waiting for the little girls to wake up and I had this thought come to my head, "You aren't going to marry him." What the!? I figured that was just a random thought that popped into my head and that I just thought it was because this whole thing of being in a real serious relationship was new to me. There was one point at the beginning where I questioned if I loved him or if I really knew what real love was. So I guessed it went along with that. So I went to my scriptures and I opened up to Doctrine and Covenants. I don't remember the chapter but I wish I did. Anyway the scripture talked about how the Lord had enlightened me and that I should listen to it. I immediately had a sinking feeling. I thought about my first doubting thoughts and again I attributed that to me not fully understanding love at that point. So I reverted back to the good feeling I had at first and decided that, that was my enlightenment and that it was ok to date this guy and possibly marry him.
After that I thought I had my answer and stopped praying. At this point I should have thought back to my beginning of school blessing I had received in the fall. It talked about how I should prayerfully consider those who I dated. Getting a little ahead of myself I hoped and thought that it meant I would find "the one" between then and the spring semester and I just needed to make sure I prayed about it. I should not have been thinking that. In hind sight I realized that this situation is exactly what it was talking about and that I should have been praying more about it, especially when all of those weird thoughts and feelings were going through my head.
Every Monday and Thursday we play basketball with a bunch of the guys from the singles ward. There was one Thursday in particular that it totally hit me. He turns to me and tells me someone is also coming to play with us now. I tried, but couldn't hide my lack of enthusiasm. I am not sure why but it was at that specific moment I was 100% sure it was over. Weird right? It was just one of those psychic moments for me. From then on I started to notice little things that had changed over the past few weeks and it completely horrified me. I didn't say anything though because I thought that I was just being paranoid. Wow. Could I be any more dense?
Then Memorial day weekend happened. Now this guy does NOT like PDA in the slightest. So when we were with a decent size group of his friends I figured him backing off was because of his hate toward PDA. But it was still bothering me that he had really backed off. He could handle holding hands in front of everyone but here he would hardly even do that. Monday night at basketball it was the same. If we are both sitting out on the stage he will usually grab my hand. This time that didn't happen. Then when for the first time he decided to go home and sleep instead of hang out at my house at least for a few minutes I knew I was in trouble. I wanted to talk to him in person about it as we were leaving but I could tell he was not up to sit around and talk. So after I got home I texted him (I know super lame) and told him I was scared of losing him. Which really meant "I know something is up. We need to talk." ha So in return he told me that he was feeling that it wasn't right and that he was making sure that wasn't just him thinking that. He then told me he would come by before he went to work and talk about it. Had I not been in bed already I would probably have fallen to the ground. I was suddenly lightheaded and could not control my sobs.
There is the great quote that says, "when life gets too hard to stand kneel." This was definitely one of those moments-literally. I could barely stand up and walk to the bathroom to get the tissue I needed. But almost immediately after reading that message I quickly got my scriptures and knelt down to pray. I told my Heavenly Father what was going on and how I was feeling. I truly opened up to him and spoke to him as if he were sitting next to me having a regular conversation. Then I opened up my scriptures and read a few of the underlined ones, including 2 Nephi 4. That scripture can get me through anything that life has for me. Then I began to pray again asking for comfort and the ability to relax long enough to fall asleep. I arbitrarily opened my scriptures and landed on Helaman 5:47 where it read: "Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world." Incredibly I stopped crying at that point. After at least an hour of sobbing and praying for comfort I was finally able to go to sleep.
That morning I was up early so I got ready with water proof mascara (the last thing I wanted him to remember me by was me crying and make up running down my face). Again the hurt came on strong and I turned to my scriptures, reading the first thing I opened to. It was a scripture that I know was meant for me. It talked about having faith and trusting that the Lord knows what he is doing and that he has a better plan. Then I turned to another and it said the same thing. Coincidence? Knowing my Heavenly Father it was not. Now I knew what would happen when mr. perfect showed up. I was hoping we would stay together for a little longer while he figured things out. But after reading these verses, I knew he would end it officially when he came and that I needed to trust my Heavenly Father. So I looked up the Helaman scripture again and the footnote lead me to John 14:16-18. It reads "And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comforless; I will come to you," (Italics added). I felt this was definitely for me. My heavenly father was talking to me through the scriptures. Another quote that I love says "If you want to talk to God pray. If you want God to talk to you, read your scriptures." So true.
Now when he finally came; saying goodbye sucked. I held it together though. I didn't cry until after he left. Way to go Madi! But we are still on good terms and I realize that having him as a friend is much better than having him disappear. I know that doesn't work for most but it works best for me. Don't judge.
That entire day I was miserable and toward the end I really just couldn't do it on my own anymore. I called up a friend and asked for a blessing. Now reading my scriptures was good and it held me over for awhile but in the real tough times there is something about actually listening to God personally talk to you. It's easier to heed His words, understand His love, and not question His plans for me. And there isn't a better feeling than knowing and hearing that He is proud of me and loves me to no end. I know that He knows I like to hear it because every time I get a blessing He makes sure to tell me. Since then I have been a lot better and am grateful that at least one of us wasn't being selfish and ignoring what the spirit was telling him. We had an incredible time together, but apparently we will be even happier with someone else. It's sad and kind of hard to think that I could be happier with another, but hey if the big man upstairs says so then I trust and believe in him!
I am grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father who is constantly watching out for me and answering my prayers. I feel like I don't deserve all of the help and love he has given me. He knows what I am feeling and going through and wants me to be as happy as I can. He leads the way, the one with the most happiness. He still communicates and reveals to us in this day, like he did back in the old days. I am grateful I can pray to him and talk with him whenever I need or want to.
Holy cow this is LONG! It took me a good two hours to write this! I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out and I doubt any of you will actually make it to the bottom of the post. However I hope that it will help at least one person to not make the same mistake.
